The Search for Serenity

22 - Not Fine

- Alice -

I sit on the familiar round table in the corner of the cafeteria, my friends at each of the seats as we eat our lunch. Well, all but Toby.

The cafeteria is busier than usual today, the continuous downpour of rain meaning more people have come to seek shelter in the humid room. The loud atmosphere engulfs me, the mixture of voices around me drowning me, the fluorescent lights all too bright and tilting my focus off its axis. I wring my hands together underneath the table as I try to keep my breathing controlled.

"You know, Alice," Dante pulls me from the suffocating fortress of my anxiety-ridden mind, "I saw some flyers for an upcoming art contest a while ago, the deadline is in a few weeks time. I think you should enter."

"M-me?" I choke out, trying to focus on his words rather than the heavy beating of my heart.

"Yeah, you do photography, right? I think it'd be pretty cool for you to enter. I've only seen what you do for the school newspaper, but I think you should go for it." He suggests, taking a bite of his sandwich.

I shrug, taking a sip of my water to stall my answer. I never thought about entering the contest myself when I offered it to Toby, but now that the idea enters my mind, self-doubt takes the wheel and steers my train of thought into rejecting the idea completely and eats away at my confidence.

"It's really too soon for me to come up with an idea and execute it. Thank you for the consideration, though." I smile and his brows furrow.

"Oh, I didn't think photography would be that long of a process."

I shuffle in my seat, lifting my shoulders in another shrug. My lie was terrible but I don't want to admit that I don't want to enter because I hate the thought of multiple people judging something I've put my heart and soul into, my overthinking mind would collapse in on itself.

But then I think to myself, how will I ever gain the confidence if I never leave my comfort zone?

"Alice is just a little shy about her work, don't take it to heart." Jade speaks up, noticing my unease.

Dante nods, sending me an apologetic smile.

"It's honestly incredible, though, you should give yourself more credit." Jade gives me a small nudge with a knowing smile.

"Oh, agreed," Nathan adds, his voice muffled by the pasta in his mouth.

"My God, you eat like an animal!" Jade throws one of her fries at him, her expression morphed into disgust. I blush at their encouragement while they continue joking back and forth.

I look around the room once more, the volume and sheer amount of people around me making my head pound as I try to stay focused on the conversations between my friends. I struggle, though, the lights in the room only stinging my eyes and the stuffy air too thick for my lungs to inhale no matter how quickly I try to suck in my breaths. The sound of my own heart beating pounds in my ears. I feel small, cramped in like the walls are closing in.

It's okay, I'm not dying. I'm fine, everything's fine.

The all-too-familiar feeling that comes with intense anxiety flows though my and my mind becomes a haze.

A hand touches my arm and I lift my eyes to Jade, her expression concerned. "You alright?" She whispers between us, recognising what I'm going through.

I nod, choking on an attempt of a deep breath. "Yeah, it's just a little crowded in here. I'm going to get some air, I'll be right back." I mutter, forcing a smile and standing on my unsteady legs, making Dante and Nathan momentarily shift their attention to me before offering a smile and going back to their conversation.