The Search for Serenity

17 - Regrets and Promises

- Toby -

Guilt sinks heavily in my chest as the door to the library slams closed behind me. The weight of what just happened hits me with full force, constricting my breath so much at its impact that it forces me to take in a big gulp of air in attempts to push it down. The image of Alice's crestfallen expression stays imprinted in my mind.

I lift my hands to rub at my temples to clear my fuzzy head as I stand in the desolate halls, the only sounds being my whirring thoughts.

I shouldn't have taken the storm inside of me out on Alice, the only person who seems to care for my well-being these days. It's not her fault I come home from one of the best days I've had in a long time to stay up all night comforting my crying little sister after hearing our parents hurl words of poison at each other. It's not her fault I stayed up long after midnight to clean the broken glass of our family photos from the floor throughout the house.

It's not her fault that I'm slowly reaching my breaking point and feel completely at a loss.

None of it was her fault in the slightest, and yet it was her that I took it out on.

"Shit."

Alice hasn't owed me a single ounce of the kindness she's unconditionally given to me, and yet I threw it all back in her face by being an asshole. I'm the only person responsible for my emotions and I don't want to be the reason for her upset just because I didn't handle my own properly.

I look back at the door, the urge to return and apologise rising within me, to accept her offer to join the art contest. But what would I say? How can I even begin to explain why I acted as I did?

Deep voices ring out from across the hall that pull me from my thoughts. I turn to look as the football team come barrelling in through the doors of the cafeteria. I turn away and bite my tongue, forcing myself to move away before they can catch sight of me. I'm in no mood to deal with them today.

I walk straight out of the school doors, approaching my car as I dig through my pockets for my car keys. I drop them on the floor on my way, huffing out a curse of frustration.

What a fucking week already.

I get into my car and focus on inhaling calming breaths, the dizziness mixing with fatigue leaving me with my head leant against my steering wheel for a few minutes.

Everything will be okay. Is the mantra I chant over and over in my head, hoping to pluck up any semblance of hope that hasn't been burnt to ash in the ruins of my mind.

- - -

I face the front of the class, unable to focus on the discussion going on in the background about microorganisms. My focus is more on the girl beside me, my stomach churning with guilt as I think of how to put together the apology she deserves, to make things right.

Alice is quiet in class today, sitting at the very edge of the desk as if her presence were a burden to me, if her stiff and slouched posture didn't already tell me enough. She taps her pen absentmindedly against her blank page as she stares down at it, avoiding me as a cloud of tension sits as an unwelcome guest between us.

I'm no different, though, posture rigid while spinning my pen between my fingers as my leg bounces under the desk.

I glance toward Alice a final time, opening my mouth to say something, but I know here isn't the right time nor place, no matter my desperation to set things right. I clamp my jaw shut and turn away. Later.

Soon enough, the painful hour of class passes and the bell finally rings out. While I blow out a breath of relief, Alice is quickly rising to her feet, packing her bag and rushing out the room before I get a chance to stand from my seat.