Nowhere to hide

10. fear of the future

jocelyns pov:

i don't want to need to have protection. god, after my ex and after what had happened when we went off the radar, hoping to stay there forever, i don't want any part of what is yet to come.

remembering my ex was the only part that was easier than the rest, meaning that if i am sucked into remembering this, untangling it all in my mind would have to be only by starting from him.

although, only one part of it was okay. the rest of the story of him and i was possibly worse than the rest. so much ran through my mind and so much of it was about to resurface in my life. i felt as if someone was behind me, pushing me face front into a wall and holding their hand over my mouth, making it hard to breathe. i felt trapped under my own past.

night clubs and neon signs, green lights and vodka bottles on the stand behind the counter. songs that have been blurred out in my mind while we are high off our asses sitting at the bar in an expensive club owned by no one other than him. lsd tabs in my purse and condoms in his. bathrooms with blue and red lights and mirrors in which the colors slowly blend into a bright magenta in the middle where our reflection stood as we looked at each other with hunger.

i wanted to live in that moment forever without having the future to worry about. if only i knew what was yet to come in the following few years, i don't know what i would've done. ran away?

no. that doesn't seem to work, or at least not right now. the future is yet to come and prove my previous assumptions wrong, just like it has done many times before. i always thought i could run away.

fuck my previous assumptions. you can't run away from the mafia. not when you were born in it, not when it runs through your veins, not when your blood is laced with it. not when you have blood of others on your hands. blood washes off from your hands but it stains your mind. it drenches your soul.

truth is, you can't run away from the past. there are way too many things that could've been different if it wasn't for my past, and everyone always says "you don't live in the past, your future needs you."

that's a harsh statement because heaven knows my past will always control my future.

as i was dropped off home, ash gave me space saying something along the lines of "you need it even if you don't have much work to catch up on, you know you'll end up recharging your social battery anyways." with that, i could not argue.

i shuffled my playlist and the song "giver" by k.flay came blasting out of the speakers in my bedroom.

i was in love with this song ever since i came out. it reminded me of myself, i've always related to and associated myself with it. i have no idea how or in which way, but it's true. this was one of my favorite songs for the longest time.

nobody really knew much about my music taste and what i listen to, which made it feel more special when people played songs i like. it felt right, as if they didn't feel forced to play something they knew i liked. it was genuine, and i could always easily tell if someone actually had good music taste or just wanted me to like them.

i took off my makeup and took a quick shower, washing my hair. i wanted to wash it so desperately as if that would help me wash all of my problems down the drain along with the shampoo from my hair. i then changed into some sweatpants and a huge, brown sweater. my wet hair laid on my shoulders, dripping onto the carpet before i started to dry it up with a towel.

there isn't much for me to do, considering all work is done, papers are filled and pizza is delivered, hot on my kitchen counter. all i was left with now was the feeling i dreaded. the idea of living in fear because someone is out to get me.

just as i thought of that, i heard a few knocks on the door and my heart quickened it's pace. it can't be ash, right?

it could be anyone, for i have family and friends visiting once every so often. however, my mind couldn't help but swim in paranoia and eat my heart alive.

i slowly crept closer to the exit and took the first knife i found in my kitchen which was right near the door. i'm good at throwing knives so i'd have to act quick. I turned my key, opening the door to reveal and shivering, crying mia on my front porch.

her eyes widened at the sight on a knife in my hands and i looked down at it before looking back up to her and tossing it onto the surface of the small shoe closet near me.

she flinched and took a step back but i was quick to grab her hand and pull her inside. she was far beyond terrified but i spoke up to ease the tension. "you're fine, i won't hurt you. i'm sorry, i just got scared because not everyone would show up to my door at this ungodly hour with good intentions."

she was no longer so stiff and terrified but rather had an understanding look on her face. she trusts me.

"i'm sorry to be here so late but i had nowhere else to go and i was nearby and i was just unsure of what to do" she rambled before i could stop her and pulled me into a tight hug. her hair smelled of flowers as it softly lay on her shoulders and ran down her back. her touch was gentle yet craved reassurance and had a dash of pain and guilt in the way she hugged me.

how could someone ever hurt such a pure soul such as mia? i never understood and never will.

"would you like to come with me to the dining room? i can make you some food if you want and we can-" i started.

"that would be great. thank you ma'am." she cut me off, more excited than before.

"mia honey, i told you that you can call me jocelyn" i corrected her with a smile. we both walked into the kitchen and i heated up some tea for us and opened the pizza and got us both a slice.

"right. sorry." she shot me an apologetic glance and i softly looked at her, urging her to continue.

"i'm not sure what happened but someone tried to steal my files. i was carrying home the files from work about you and your newest projects so that i could go over them again. i didn't want to stutter when i go into the presentation for the pr meeting for your new project," she rambled on and i soon started to realize what was happening.

however i did not expect what she was going to say next. even if i tried, i simply couldn't be prepared for what came out of her mouth- "so i took out my pocket knife and well i- jocelyn i slit his throat. i didn't know what to do and as soon as i whipped my hand over to him i hit his neck and sliced it across. i killed someone."

that couldn't be good. mia is so innocent and pure, i have no idea how bad that must've been for her. however what she doesn't know was that the man who did so probably had a reason for stealing my files, it wasn't a simple burglary, it was to collect information on me and use it against me.

"oh mia, i'm so sorry that happened to you. i have no idea how badly you must've taken it." i came closer and pulled her into a hug once more. she wrapped her hands around me, hugging me back and quietly sobbed into my shoulder. i didn't mind at all. she really was scarred by what just happened.

i guess my plan to keep this private has been interrupted by these cunts, who think it's okay to go for people that surround me and people that know me well. now it's not a personal battle.

now it's something i will need asters help for, and i know it's not something he will deny.

why did he choose to help me? did he? did he even know who i was before he was assigned to or decided to help me? who the hell is he. most importantly- can i trust him?

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WOOO HIII so do y'all trust aster?