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Red against brown is beautiful. Up against his nose while his eyes are trained on mine a shiver goes down my spine and I have to look away or else the moment is over too soon. I hate this honestly. I hate fucking without feelings. I want the feelings to be mutual— like you liking me while I'm liking you not just me liking you and you pretending to.
"Let me fuck you." Suge purred, coming up off me. He looked into my eyes before going in for a kiss, his fingers did as they pleased and he pleased me. I'd never say no to that. Not to him. He didn't wait for an answer though.
It's our routine, every time the same thing. I like it— but it's getting boring. He does it out of obligation now, I can tell. It don't feel the same. Him and me used to make me scared as fuck. I used to never close my eyes. I'd keep my eyes on the door, even when I moved into my own apartment a few places ago. I was scared shitless that somebody would walk in on us.
Now, I just wish that it would happen. Just one of my roommates to crack the door and say 'my bad, Yo' before even seeing who I was with or what we was doing. That would make him feel something towards me other than loyalty. Shit, a little fear might spice shit up, or make him stop. I guess that might be good too. If we stopped, then we could be cool again. Cool forreal though, not how we been acting towards eachother— all cordial and shit.
I moaned out when he entered me. If only he could really feel how it feel for somebody to be in you but not into you. I can adjust to it. This space he's taking up is pressure, but not really if I'm the only one feeling it.
Other than Suge, Geo is the only person who I've ever told about my interest in guys. It's not even guys, really. It's just him. I guess. I never thought about anybody else like that, ever. Me and Suge been kickin' it since high school. Really, it started as an experiment— isn't that cliché. Well, cliché or not, it's confusing as fuck.
For a couple weeks now, I been meeting Suge to chill in between my commitments : my 8am class and participating in the study for my psych class. For that, gotta go to therapy with a psychologist my age and see if there's any difference in talking to one who has more experience than me. Research purposes. I chose Eli because I'd known her for a couple years from undergrad.
At our last session though, I came in bothered by a conversation me and him had. It was confusing and I was so hot that I accidentally brought it up to her. Since then, I been dreading coming back for a next session.
I showed up early this time. I waved to her through the glass and she came to open the door for me, greeting me with a hug as usual. We sat in her office on the couch and she handed me a warm cup of tea because she thinks Coffee is a form of drugs.
"So, how have you been since our last session, Royo?"
I shrugged, sniffing the air making sure I didn't still smell like him. I honestly don't feel like talking today. I feel stupid. Anything I say after being with him is gonna sound sissy as hell. I hate that shit. I should've thought about that before.
