Love & Bullets (bucky barnes x oc)

20: Regret

James Buchanan Barnes

She stares up at me with her almond brown eyes and I instantly regret ever laying a hand on him in front of her. Tears stream down her face as she remains silent, speaking only through her somber eyes. Guilt washes over me. Why hadn't I just attended to her instead of giving in to my rage? Why hadn't I just brought him to the cells and taken care of him here? It's too late now. She's fucking scared of me.

I take a step towards her bed, but she shifts uncomfortably in her spot, wincing at the pain in her side. The pain that I caused. I shake my head, feeling hot tears well up in my eyes. She looks down at my hands, then back up at me. I see an act of submission that I never wanted her to have with me. Ever. Stepping forward, I reach out my hand, but she doesn't take it, and I'm not entirely sure what to do.

"Alexandra, please talk to me."

"I...I don't know what you want me to say. I remember it all... Every bit of it..."

Before I even have a chance to explain myself, she sobs quietly in her hands, leaving me heartbroken and confused as to why she is reacting this way.

"I'm so sorry you had to see that. I was blinded by my anger. I saw red."

"You didn't stop. He was slumped over, blood everywhere... And you didn't stop. It was... it was like you enjoyed torturing him."

"Alexandra, he hurt you. You told me what he did to you. You told me what you went through because of him. I feel no remorse for what I did because he hurt you."

"How do I know you won't hurt me, then? What if I piss you off, and now you're beating me to shit? What if-"

"I would never. You know that."

"No, no I don't! Never is a long fucking time, James! I-"

A pause.

"I can't forget what you did to him. The way you looked down at him, like you loved  watching him suffer. That... That's not normal, James!"

"Bellezza-"

"No! You can't call me that! Did you forget that at one point I loved him, and he loved me back? Did you forget that we were fucking married? I don't know you anymore. Who I saw last night was a complete stranger. I don't recognize you anymore."

Her words blow me away. It takes everything in me not to yell. It takes everything in me not to slam my fists into the wall right next to her. I am not one to cry, but the way she's looking up at me and the things she's saying make me feel these waves of sadness that I cannot ignore. I cannot believe what she is telling me. This woman fears me. Not because of who  I am, but because of what I did. I thought I was doing her justice, but I couldn't be further from her truth.

"I am never going to harm you. Alexandra, what I did last night was to protect you."

"Look at me, James! I'm in a hospital room! There are tubes stuck in every inch of my arms. My fucking body hurts, I've been shot twice, and my memory is a haze. This isn't protection. This is pain."

I can't hold the tears in any longer. As I turn to face the door, every thought in my mind tells me to turn back. To be vulnerable. But I simply cannot allow myself to show that side of me to anyone. And I cannot bear to see her in any more pain. As the sounds of her cries get smaller and quieter, the tears fall faster and harder.

Che cazzo sto facendo?
[What the fuck am I doing?]