Open your eyes

Chapter 4: second of sadness before euphoria

My eyes traveled around the flat full of things I didn't need. The book on the bed damaged by the undone sheets. Its ripped pages after I broke down. The broken glass laying over the floor along with the majority of my wardrobe. The chipped cup laying on top of the mess. I still hear her laugh filling the room that used to be perfectly clean, just because she liked it that way. I need to ruin it, to make it all disappear. Maybe then the tears will stop flowing, trying to catch the memories you left me with. It's bittersweet to think about all the conversations we didn't finish. All the plans we will never accomplish. I miss you Emily. I miss the way you used to hold me when no one else did. I miss the way you made me feel, the way you talked about our future.
Weeks have passed now and I am still holding your picture against my chest as I tried to muffle the waves of tears that come and go during the day. My mind that used to be constantly filled is now empty. Unable. Disconnected from the world. Just like before. People would have judged me if I told them I am addicted to her. But I was. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't jealous, I wasn't sick. However each time she left, I would feel this exact same way. Unable to do anything. Just waiting until she comes back. I counted down the days since she died, as if each hour brought me closer to those arms I would never feel again. That's when I started crying. When the thought that I would never see her again hit me. Even more when I realized that the only thing left of her was those memories a few people were keeping. Body and soul blowed away from reality. As if she never existed.

« You'll go to hell » he said panting over the floor as I watched him agonize. My back against the cold wall, I tilted my head aside before taking a look at my hands full of his blood « I hope so. I'll be able to watch you be in pain for eternity » I said with a smile on my face.
« I don't even know you » he said crawling over the floor towards the door I locked a few minutes before.
I watched him waste his energy as I nodded « that's true. You don't know me. But you knew Emily »
His chuckle pierced my ears and created in me an annoyance I can't describe « this is what it is about ? Emily? »
I leaned my head against the marble and closed my eyes.
« It won't bring her back »
« I know » I said with eyes closed « I have anger issues to let go of. Only my therapist isn't here today. And since Emily was the only one helping me contain my pulsions.. I am afraid you aren't gonna make it til the end of the day » I said approaching him with the knife I stabbed him with already.

The clear water became one with the color of the blood. The contrast it created with the white of the sink slowly fades. You watch me get lost in the middle of the walls I built with my own hands. I decided to ignore you for the simple reason I am still mad at you for taking her ring away from me. Today is one of those days her absence gets lousy in me. I miss her warmth and her scents I used to inhale until air is missing. It's her birthday today. And she is in everything I look at. In the empty bed I stare at every morning until 6. At the table I eat alone. In the hallway that makes her voice resonate like a melancholic symphony.
« You Killed that poor man » your voice brought me back to the world I physically live in.
« If you knew what he did you wouldn't qualify him as poor » I turned the water off and pressed the towel against my hands. I still don't feel clean.
« What did he do? » you said leaning against the wall.
« I believe this is the lady's room you ain't supposed to be there so.. »
« Come on. What did he do? He spit in your coffee the day you arrived? He stepped on your shoe? Oh. He stole your toothbrush. » you made fun of me.
A discreet smile appeared at the corner of my lips « he killed your mother. »
You stayed silent And I know I won. I proudly walked passed you to head to the dorms. As expected you grabbed my arm and pulled me back to you. Close of course. To intimidate me. For control.
« How the fuck do you know that? »
I looked up at the veins popping off your temples. I touched a sensitive point and yet... I can't find half of the pain I feel in your eyes. She was your mother. How can you not feel sad?
As I got lost In my mind you got frustrated and pulled me outside the building to the empty yard. I groaned at the pressure you applied on my arm and showed you my middle finger.
Once out the fresh air of the end of the year hit us both and forced me to sit on the bench as you sat in front of me « I want answers now »

I looked at you and chuckled « you were written by a man. »
« What? »
« I said you were written by a man »
« The fuck does that mean? »
« Means you think I am impressed by you because you have a little bit of beard and muscles. »
« Fuck You »
« She found me in New York. I was 14. »
You frowned silently.
I looked at you and away « she found me a flat and took care of me »
« My mother didn't mention you »
« Your father knew and never wanted to get involved »
« You are crazy. My mother didn't have a double life »
« How on earth did I have her ring? How was I there when she died? How do I know her favorite movie is titanic which is oddly disappointing coming from her »
Your eyes traveled my face a few times « that's it? That's the big secret? She recycled you? »
« Fuck you oliver » I spit and stood up shoving a pill down my throat. As I walked the drugs started to confuse the ideas running in a circle inside my brain. The wind whistles around me forming a bubble I was familiar to. This second of sadness before the euphoria.
Her scents surround me again. Her warmth holds me. Tight against a body that isn't hers. My heavy head falls over the chest of the person holding me letting the tears flow down my face. It's not worth the fight. She is gone anyway, there is nothing to fight for.
« I love her » my voice cracked. « I miss her »
Your imposing hand caressed down my hair and you laid your head on top of mine keeping me in this hug « I know. I do too. »

When I opened my eyes the first thing I smelled was you. It took me a second to remember this comfort is an illusion. My head rolled over the pillow so that I could take a look at you touching and looking inside my diary. I grabbed the pillow under my head and throw it right in your face What probably took You by surprise because you dropped my secret garden. « I help you and you still find a way to be a bitch »
« You just brought me back to my room » I rubbed my sore face as I slowly sat down.
« Yeah after you cried for my mom and passed out »
« I didn't wait long enough before I took the next pill. Happens. »
You nodded and looked around. A heavy silence followed, a silent that was just as disturbing as soothing.
« So You aren't gonna say thank you? »
I looked at you with a "seriously" look and you smiled like a crackhead. Oh. You have dimples.
« Go away » I shook my head
« I can't. They locked the doors when I brought you in. We are stuck here until 6 am tomorrow morning »
I dropped myself in the bed groaning « what did I do to deserve this GOD »
You shrugged and leaned in my chair. Another heavy silence. Please don't break that one.
« You know... »
« You really don't have to talk until 6 am » I cut you in the middle of your sentence but you smiled softly and kept going « you know it was hard for me at first. To miss her that bad »
« Don't compare yourself to me. You have a father and probably grandparents and all the family members that come with it. I only had her. »
« Didn't you make friends? »
« I never left the appartement. It was our rule »
You looked at me. « Your rule? »
« Yes » I sighed « she brought me anything I needed but in return I must disappear from the world. »
« Why? »
I grabbed a chocolate bar from under my bed and ripped the paper off taking a bite.
« Hey »
« Hey what? » I looked at you « that's my business. There is a reason you don't know. »
« I see. Can I? » you pointed at the bed as I nodded « you ain't gonna sleep on the floor »
You nodded and sat next to me.
« You are too close »
You chuckled and stepped away « better? »
« Better. »