Hey, it's been a while. Uh i got through ninth grade I'm going to tenth in two weeks.. I'm not really sure to say, I got better for a few weeks. I felt happy being all on my own and I had two online friends I made(I ruined one of them)
Right now it's 1:40 in the morning, I'm not really sure what I'm doing awake but oh well... I should catch y'all up on what's been going on so far in my life lol. So I was virtual for the first semester of school and the second semester I was in person. I mad a friend near the end of the school year and me and him really hit it off, I found out I had feelings for him and he had feelings for me too. Although we both liked eachother he wasn't ready for a relationship and I myself wasn't either. So we stayed friends but we still flirted and basically acted like a couple it was really nice and he was so nice and said cute shi yk, but things are kind of falling apart and I feel like it's my fault. I opened up to him and he accepted me for how I am, I overthink and think he hates me sometimes and he reassured me he didn't. He told me he loved me actually-(it made me so happy omg)
Right now in this present time me and him barely talk he found out I've been feeling suicidal lately and told me to not do it (a natural reaction) he said he misses me and he cared ab me and to take care of myself but I feel like he doesn't mean it. Idk it seems fake, like he feels responsible for me. This wasn't my intention, u didn't mean to make him feel that way I wanted us to be chill and talk the way we used to but now we haven't talked in days and I wanna get over him but I can't. I miss him so badly and idk why ik I shouldn't and ik I'm not good for him but he says I am. I just want him to be happy and not worry ab me but at the same time it feels like he doesn't worry ab me.like he actually just doesn't care for me anymore and ik it's all my fault for being and acting the way I do and I don't have the courage to text him a simple hi because I'm scared he won't answer. I know I'm losing him and I hate it so much it and me to see such perfect person leave my life I don't want to stop talking to him he's so good for me but I can't bear and watch him try and stay with me when I know he doesn't want to. I hate everything I'm doing right now and every decision I'm making..
I have this best friend and she's so cool and nice, she's funny and makes me laugh with the stupid shi she says lmao, but I feel like she gets annoyed when I talk to her, like she doesn't feel like talking to me. So before she can leave I feel like I'm unconsciously pushing her away, I don't want to but at the same time idk I don't want to talk to her. But I do??? Im so confusing lol
The thought of death hasn't bothered me, idk ik this seems like edgy and I'm not trying to sound cool but it doesn't seem painful, it seems nice actually.
