CW: dysphoria
I can't explain the sharp pain in my chest,
I get when I see people with top surgery scars
I think it's jealousy
But it might also just be such strong longing that it physically hurts
Longing for the feeling they have
Longing to not have to bind so I can pass
Longing to feel comfortable with my chest
Longing to have that
Longing to feel what they do
But I can't have it yet
I have to wait til I'm 16
And that's just to put in the request
After that there's still an 18 month waiting list where I'll go
It hurts
Knowing I have to spend at least another 3 years in this body
A body that isn't me
A body that I feel is wrong
A body that doesn't represent who I am
I feel such strong emotions about all this
Sadness that I have to wait
Anger that I'm still fucking stuck here and I will be for another 3 years
Frustration at being trapped in this body
Hopeful that I won't be turned away
Scared that I will be turned away
Nervous because my self harm scars are on my stomach and someone might see
Worried that I won't be able to get it
It hurts not being able to be in a body that is mine because of my age
It huts knowing that I'm stuck
It fucking hurts
And I can't do a dammed thing about it
(3/8/21)
