TW: implied abuse
Inspired by: https://vm.tiktok.com/ZM8fhx4BS/
I don't even recognize you,
You're not me
I don't know who you are
I don't know who any of you are
You don't know each other
You don't know me
None of us know each other
This body doesn't belong to any of us
But we're forced to share this brain and call it home
We have to stay in this body because this is the one the brain is connected to
Where did your starry eyes go?
They stole them
They stole my hopes,
My dreams,
Everything I thought my future could be
And yet I can't bring myself to blame them,
Because they didn't mean to
And 'they' are so big of a group I don't even know many of them personally
Where the smile that could light up the room?
It's still here
You see it whenever I smile
You say it's pretty
And that you like seeing me smile
But you don't know that it's fake
You don't know that it's forced 97% of the time
You don't that it hurts every time
You don't know it hurts every time I look at you and smile and laugh,
Even though I'm thinking about the cut on my leg
And wondering if I'm getting blood on my pants,
Even though all I can see in your face is the anger you used to wear instead of love everyday
Where did you go, what did you do?
This is only partially my fault,
And I won't apologize for it
I went off, away from you, and learnt
I distanced myself and learned the truth
I remembered the truth I should say
I remembered my childhood,
How much I feared you
I learnt why I'm still scared of you now
I gathered information with you at the center and grew to hate the things you did,
Grew to hate the things I did
To build up walls around a kid to young to throw away his youth,
You threw away my youth the first time you grabbed and spanked me
I threw away my youth in exchange for walking on eggshells and learning what meant 'mad'
I threw away my youth to try and keep myself and my brother safe, and keep our family from falling apart
I threw away my youth to please others because that way, maybe, I wouldn't get hurt again
I threw away my youth when I realized I would always get hurt, be it physical or mental
What happened to you?
I grew up in a house where chaos was the norm
And peace was the calm before the storm
Where promises and apologize were handed out like candy on Halloween,
But broken the day after, if we were lucky enough for them to last that long
I grew up in a house where crying wasn't safe
And where yelling and being to loud meant pain
Where laughter was frequent but never lasted long and usually wound up in screams
Where I was supposed to feel safe but never did
(25/10/21
