TW: implied abuse
Why do so many people tell us to forgive and forget,
They tell us to let go of the past
And to get over it.
Why?
Why should I have to forgive someone who has hurt me to the point of panic?
Why should I have to forget the harm that they caused me?
Why do you expect me to get over the past when it's not even in the past?
How am I supposed to get over it when I have to relive it frequently?
He hurt me so bad that sometimes just looking at him hurts
He made me feel so terrible I'm sometimes glad he doesn't say,
"Love you" at night
Because that way I don't have to say it back and feel like I'm lying
He hurt me physically and mentally and now I have panic attacks regularly,
Now I'm constantly walking on eggshells
No one helped me
She hardly saud anything, mostly just staying quiet,
Or yelling at us if we got to bad and she got fed up
Teachers never noticed
His and her family and friends never commented
A social worker said that it was fine
No one helped
No one noticed
Or maybe it's just that no one cared
It didn't matter that we hid under beds when it was time to go "home"
It didn't matter that we almost cried everytime we were riding "hom"
It didn't matter that I almost never talked at school and was very obviously scared of almost everyone
It didn't matter that him just being in the same room as us when he was mad made us cry
It didn't matter when I told him to, "stop, it hurts, please let go! I'm sorry!"
It didn't matter
None of it mattered
None of it
Because they acted nice
They acted friendly
They acted like good parents that loved us and would never hurt us
They fooled everyone
My friends
My brothers friends
Maybe even their friends and family
And definitely our fucking therapist
Or maybe those people just didn't care
Maybe none of them cared
We showed signs
I know we did
He acted out a lot
Here and at school
I was almost constantly boiling over with anger,
Although I only showed it here
I hardly talked at school
I hid under desks
I only actually trusted one person for years
And I was terrified of almost all my teachers, even if they acted nice
But no one noticed
No one did anything
No one helped
No one asked
So it's not just my parents I find hard to forgive
It's everyone who enabled their behaviour and didn't give a fuck
Not even the adult I was closest with realized something was wrong
And I feel guilty for not moving on
But it's hard
Knowing we showed signs
Knowing that if people had cared they might've been able to help
Knowing that some of the bullshit we went through could've maybe been avoided,
If people had just cared
So please,
Don't tell me to forgive them
Don't tell me to let go,
Don't tell me to get over it
Because I already hate myself for not being able to
I already feel guilty for not being able to
And telling me to doesn't help
It just makes everything worse
(25/10/21)
