From Broken to Beautifully Broken

The first 7

A few years ago my best friend came home from a workshop that was focused on changing your mindset, and exploring the characteristics in your life that define you, whether negative or positive. The conversation we had following her workshop was completely intriguing. In fact, so much so, that my best friend has created her own motivational and inspiring talks, specifically focusing on going from "victim to victor". One of the  activities she speaks about and asked me to do was to write down on a piece of paper 3 events that stick out in your mind that occurred  before age 7.  I found this fascinating and of course had to explore this. I know that my accident would be number 1, but what are the next two things that immediately pop up in my head following that?  What's crazy is that I didn't have to think very long.  Two memories popped up almost instantly. 
The first memory was playing in my house with a bunch of kids.  When I was younger there was a group of adults that would get together with my parents a couple times a month.  They were our family friends.  We went out to eat together, we went over each others houses and even vacationed together.  They had kids that were the same age, or close in age to me and my brother and sister.  I looked forward to the nights they would come over all the time.  Me and my siblings would make lists of games we would play and snacks we would eat.  We even picked out movies to watch.  In the summer time we would go swimming while the parents hung out in the hot tub.  The parents were always laughing and cracking jokes.  We would eat outside and catch fireflies.  I know that sounds cliche, but I swear we did. We would turn the hammock into a pirate ship and one of the kids would rock the crap out of it as if we were in a storm.  The last one on the hammock was the winner.  After eating dinner, all the kids would go inside and play in the playroom or watch a movie in the living room. The parents would stay outside and have a couple drinks, some dessert and maybe even play a card game.
When we went on vacation together the parents had a saying, "Why not? We're on vacation!".  That was the answer to everything we wanted.  Can we get room service?  "Why not? We're on vacation".  Can we go down the lazy river WITHOUT the parents following us this time? "Why not? We're on vacation".  If I don't eat all my dinner can I still order dessert? "Why not? We're on vacation".  Sometimes I go back and watch the old home videos and when I come across this videotape I immediately have a feeling of joy.  Why was this memory so prominent among so many other events in my first seven years? I had no idea and would need a minute to really figure this one out.
The other memory is made up of a compilation of visuals, but also more so a feeling.  When I was younger I was loud and dramatic and I loved to sing and put on shows.  I forced my family members to sit and watch them even when most times they probably wanted to poke needles in their eyes! I remember my mom saying " Come on, we have to watch her show.  You know she has to be the center of attention!"
I also remember my sister being about 3 years old, which would put me exactly at age 7.  It was Christmas morning and my sister was showing my parents her new doll.  No one was paying attention to the things I got so I jumped in front of my sister and started doing this ridiculous dance.  My dad said "Move Elisa, I can't see your sister."  When he saw me pouting he said the same thing.  "Ok, show us your gifts, cause god forbid it's not about Elisa."  They were not saying these things in a mean way.  They weren't yelling or talking down to me, it was just sort of a statement that was said in a sing song manner as if it was something that was a matter a fact. So many times my parents and other family members would make comments about me and how I had to be the center of attention.  It became a joke at a certain point, that's how often they would say it.  It wasn't all of this that was sticking out to me though.  What was sticking out to me was their voice and face as they said it.  They were annoyed.  That's the feeling I had when I had this memory.  The feeling of being annoying. 
So what did this all mean?  I have these two prominent memories but what do I do with them?
Jennifer explained to me that the next part of this process was taking the feelings from those memories and seeing how they apply to you now in the present time.  Jen believed that those feelings or memories essentially build the foundation of your characteristics or traits. They were the building blocks that would shape your personality for the rest of your life.  They would impact you in some way but it was up to you wether you would allow the implications to be positive or negative.
While I originally found this activity fascinating, now I was rather confused.  What did this mean for me?  Did it mean that being annoying was embedded in my personality and that was it? Did it mean that I loved vacations and gatherings with friends because they brought me joy?  I started to feel like this activity was not for me. Who doesn't feel joy when they are with friends or family or on vacation?  How could I be annoying for the rest of my younger life to come if eventually, I became invisible to my classmates and barely spoke out of fear that I would be made fun of?  During college I actually avoided being the center of attention at all costs. I HATED when people looked at me, and I especially, in no way what so ever, would walk into a lecture hall late. Everyone would turn around as the door opened and look at you. I would rather die. The first time it happened, was the last. I felt all the blood drain from my Body and my pulse like a marching band in my ears. I was going to faint. After that, if I was late, I would take this absence. That's probably why it took me so long to graduate. In any case how was all this correlated?  This was nonsense.  Mark this as a workshop I would never attend.