From Broken to Beautifully Broken

The empath and the narcissist

I wasn't always as bad as it seems
There once was a time when your arms felt like
Home and you believed in me and my dreams

A time when you listened And at least tried to care
A time when you possibly loved me, although looking back I'm not so sure you ever did, a thought so heavy to bare

Conversations with you are often like walking through mine fields, waiting for something I say or do to start the war
The arguments and disappointment is inevitable...what am I doing this all For?

A sliver of hope, a moment of your time, a glimpse of your attention at best
It all seems hopeless, exhausting on my soul and heart and I really just need to rest

All the words and promises that rolled off your tongue, big or small, all were lies
Ones that I would have seen through if I had the courage to look into your eyes

So dark and empty, no warmth, or joy
The longer I stare, I can see that lost boy

A boy who grew up with so much love, yet it was never truly enough for the man who became cold and strong
who spent his whole life trying to prove others wrong

Years spent on proving his worth to people who really didn't matter
All the while abandoning his family making each day for them Sadder and sadder

The days turned to weeks and weeks into years
A little girls excitement and hope turning into disappointment and anger, resentment and tears

All the years she sat with anger it just ate at her soul never able to leave
Until one day she realized anger is the hearts way when you don't allow yourself to grieve

To mourn the loss of something you never truly had, to accept it was all a vision you held on to in your head
A realization to come to like this, can break you before you can heal, words left unspoken are now forced to be said

And all the while you played your game with guilt as your pawn
With everything the way you wanted, beautifully painted, in the picture you had drawn

But it took me breaking, starving my heart and body, tears watering my soul through the cracks that you made
In order for All the hopes I had and visions of us to finally fade

And when the truth set in and I allowed myself to accept the things that would never be
That's when I saw what I could never see, that's when I accepted what would never be and that's when I realized it would be so easy for you to get over the loss of me

But I have learned your arms are
Not my home, your voice doesn't calm
My storms and words don't heal my heart
I am whole again and this time I won't let you break me apart

I hope someday you let someone in and you can experience the joy of others and not just the joy of yourself
I hope that one day someone is there for you and you don't know the pain of someone not wanting to help

I hope one day the grey is faded for you and you experience brightness like the sun
And maybe then you'll realize all the things we could've done.

From as far back as I can remember, I always wanted to please people. I always wanted to make them happy. I was scared to disappoint. Helping them made me feel happy. Seeing them happy, because I did something for them, made me fulfilled. This should be the end of this chapter right? What's wrong with pleasing people? Absolutely nothing. There is nothing wrong with it UNLESS you are doing it as a learned behavior or a coping skill. I mentioned in previous chapters how I felt like I was always annoying people or how my family would jokingly tell me the it had to always be "all about me". While this may have been true, what everyone didn't realize what the impact these words would have on me for quite some time. Ironically, being the child of a narcissist also molds you into a people pleaser. This is simply because you use people pleasing as a way to stay safe and avoid conflict. I'm
Sure you've heard of the fight, flight or freeze response to trauma, but there is also the fawn response. Which is people pleasing. Being in any kind of relationship with a narcissistic can be traumatic and your body recognizing this threat by responding accordingly. You are also willing to jump through hoops just to get a sliver of attention from them. I can't remember much of my younger years being raised by a narcissist, but I can remember the EXACT moment the light bulb went off that there were some red flags.
It was my 21st birthday and I had family coming over. My father decided this would be the perfect day to leave my mom and his 3 kids. The family came over to celebrate and we were left explaining why my dad was gone. The day was ruined. People smiled while hiding their sorrow from us. We sang happy birthday and the pictures from that day are all stained with swollen red eyes. Was is necessary for him to leave that moment? No. Was is necessary TO HIM to leave in that moment. Yes. He was uncomfortable and he just wanted out. He didn't want to explain himself, he didn't want to engage with family and pretend it was all fine. He wanted out and that's all that mattered. He didn't care whose heart was broken or the lasting emotional scars this would have on his then wife and kids. HE DIDNT CARE AT ALL.  He cared more about what it would be like to be there that day, then what it would feel like for all of us. For about 10 years I tried to understand why my dad would want to leave on such a special day, but it wasn't until I understood narcissistic characteristics, and emotions intelligence that it made sense. Once I was finally able to analyze his behaviors, so many red flags popped up in my head and it was extremely overwhelming. To have insight like this can be difficult to process. Especially if these moments all flood your brain at once.
I remember a time when my ex boyfriend and I got into a fight. We pulled into my driveway and he dragged me out of the car and threw me on the ground. He left, and I lay on the driveway sobbing. My dad came outside, picked me up and told me to go lay down. He did nothing about the physical assault that just happened to his daughter. Another time, I found out that same boyfriend was cheating on me. I came home crying hysterically. My dad called my grandmother (my noni). She came over and the two of them yelled at me for crying. I was stronger than that. We don't cry over losers. My grandmother called him a cockroach and told me that I was better than this. Better than what? Showing my emotion? I shouldn't cry over a cockroach. Here's the thing.  I was raised to think showing your emotion was weakness. If I cried over a "cockroach" what did that make me? So here we have two very big red flags that went unnoticed until I was a bit older. One...what he wanted was all that mattered.  His appearance and wants where more important then the feelings of those he supposedly cared about. Two...I wasn't allowed to feel emotion. I wasn't allowed to express my self. My feelings were completely invalidated.
Red flag 3. My dad ESPECIALLY didn't allow me to express myself when it came to conflicting opinions of his own. If I mentioned something that bothered me or, or something that was upsetting me, or something I felt was unfair, I was completely shut down. If those feelings didn't align with his they were wrong. They were invalidated, they were incorrect and GET THIS....the narrative of the story was changed by him so that my feelings couldn't be validated. They could in no way be true if the story changed. For the greater part of the conversations he would convince me that the way he told the story was correct and therefore my feelings were Unjust. I spent years and years trying to get my dad to see my point of view, to see why so many things he did, or didn't do, hurt me. But every single time I opened my mouth, I ended up not speaking to him for months. It was like as soon as I spoke up and proved my point he did one or two things. One he convinced me I was wrong in my feelings and two if that didn't work, he found a reason to hang up and I didn't hear from him for months. Literally months. He would rather distance himself  from me and miss out on my life then simply apologize or admit what he did was wrong and that he would work on it for the future. This NEVER happened. Even as I write this. His way was the only way and if I couldn't see that, I was cut off. His exact words to me ALWAYS were "Lis, you got it all wrong."
Since my 30's began my relationship with my dad became less and less. This was not by my choice. He remarried (or at least I think he did and if he did I wasn't there) and he raised two step children with his wife. I saw him once a year for Christmas Eve, until that stopped and once a year for Father's Day, until that stopped as well. When we all did get together, the same stories were spoken at dinner.
1. My sister was a genomic scientist and a genius. We always talked about her success. This was rightfully so. She really was so smart and deserves to celebrate all her accomplishments. My dad made sure to vocalize his extreme level of proudness every time we all got together.
2. Whatever project my dad was working on. He had to show us pictures of his accomplishments and show us how much better of a man he is now, or even how much better of a man he is than any of us.
3. Sports. Him and my brother always bonded over soccer and most times we went places were there was a bar and a television to watch some kind of game. My brother had a good relationship with them because they shared the love of soccer.
4. My teenage years. We ALWAYS, ALWAYS had to talk about the things I did to get in trouble as a teenager. He always said the same phrase " Lis was my hardest kid. She was always in trouble." While this may have been true, it would've have probably been to his benefit to figure out why I was always in trouble. Also, as a side note, my siblings got in the same trouble, I just covered for them and taught them what NOT to do to get in trouble.
These family outings became more and more undesirable to me as I began to identify the red flags. Most of the time my dad would pick a spot to get together that would not be appropriate for children. I had 2 small kids. He would either choose a bar or an extremely late dinner time. He would chose places that required you to park in a parking garage and walk a few blocks, or places that had loud music and chaos. All of which made it extremely difficult for me to participate. I would ask to change the location but if I did he would tell me "it isn't all about me". This enraged me every time but I couldn't find a way to make him understand that it wasn't about what I wanted, it was about what everyone would be able to participate in comfortably and that I unfortunately would have to turn down the invite if it was inappropriate for my children. The next year would roll around and I knew we were approaching the time I would see my dad again. I thought if were proactive, it would some home make this a little easier. I offered to host the dinners at my house. I would have it catered or barbecue, have the bar stocked with everyone's favorite drinks, have some music, some backyard games...whatever anyone wanted. It would be a lot of work, but my kids had their bedrooms a few feet away and could go to sleep at a normal time. They also wouldn't have to walk 4 blocks with their little legs, or go to a bar with a loud atmosphere. Every single time I offered my dad would say "ok sounds nice but let me check with everyone and we'll see when it gets closer". Well, as you probably assumed already, time would get closer and the text would get sent out about going out. My dad would start the conversation with, since no one planned anything for Father's Day, I guess we can just go ( insert one of the above inappropriate for children places). When I would remind him that I offered to host, he would say he either forgot, or no I like to go out, it's easier or the BEST was "it's just too much work for you". As if any of the other places were less work for me!!! This is another red flag I didn't learn about until I had wasted so many tears and arguments. Narcissists only do things THEY WANT TO DO. Sure they'll love it if you're there, but only if it's something they enjoy. They don't waste time doing things that don't interest or benefit them.
At a certain point, I had to have a conversation with my dad. I was always so scared to use my voice with him and I didn't know why. I just knew when I had conversations with him it was extremely emotional for me, so when I finally had enough and had to have a conversation, you knew I must have really been hurting.
It had been a while since I saw my dad. Like I said these outings were too much with two kids. They didn't take into account my children and so I had to slowly stop going. In reality, I wasn't rushing to a dinner where I was the "bad kid" anyway. I was ok with not seeing him often, I was used to it. But I wanted my kids to have memories with their grandfather. It had been almost a year at this point that we had seen him. So I dialed his number and started this god awful conversation. I told him I didn't understand how he didn't WANT to see his grandkids. I told him all we really want is his time and attention and I asked why that was so hard. After a plethora of excuses, non of which included accountability or even a sign that he felt sorry that it was this way, he referred to his girlfriend as his wife. I stopped dead in my sentence because not only did my dad not want anything to do with me or my kids but he never even invited us to his wedding??!! I had no idea at what point the transistion from girlfriend to wife took place. What the actual hell was going on. "She's your wife? Since when?", came right of my mouth without hesitation. My father took that comment as disrespectful, and just like that everything I had been upset over became irrelevant. It was like my concerns just disappeared. The only thing that matter were those two small sentences I said. The rest of the conversation was out the window. All the courage it took to be able to talk about what bothered me did not even matter. All that mattered was I asked a question he didn't want to answer and then used that as his gateway to flip the narrative and make me the reason he has not been around for a year. We didn't talk for a very long time after that. No calls. No texts. Nothing. He missed my sons christening. NOT because he wasn't invited, because again being an empath I did the right thing and sent an invitation WITH a follow up text regarding the christening. He didn't even RSVP to the invite Or respond to the text. Narcissists or any toxic person can just stop a conversation when they don't like it and never turn back. They either stop calling or stop responding. They will even blame shift trying to make themselves the victim and then use that reason to never call again or resolve the issue. They would much rather loose you than be at fault.
My dad and I finally reconnected a day before I had to have major surgery. My aunt called him and told him I was having this surgery. He called me and told me all differences aside, I'm still his daughter and he wanted to make sure I was ok.  For the record, I knew he was calling because in his own selfish way, if something happened to me, he couldn't live with the fact that we hadn't talked...but even in my mid 30's the little girl in me really, really was hoping he actually cared.  This kind of relationship continued on up until just a short while ago. After being in treatment for an eating disorder, I finally realized my self worth and my relationship with him has changed vastly. 4 months of being in a hospital, 6 hours of therapy daily and I finally have a sliver of realization and perspective I needed So, life threw me a narcissist and I didn't do too well with that curveball.
What would I tell myself now??

It is true that if you are raised by a narcissist you will often go to extreme lengths to get their attention or approval. You'll even beg for just one simple compliment. This is not a defect of your personality. This is a conditioned response. You are not desperate. You are not worthless. Your value is not contingent upon them.   You probably don't even know what exactly it is you want in life anymore because the narcissistic parent has already embedded their wants as YOUR WANTS. Unfortunately you also believe what you want out of life are the things your parent has convinced you that you wanted. It's a constant vicious cycle of "hey look what I did" and the response being nothing. This completely invalidates your efforts giving you a lower sense of self worth, which in turn snowballs into many possible serious mental illnesses. We have low self esteem, codependency, anxiety, depression, eating disorders....just to name a few.

When my dad left on my 21st birthday, I would tell myself that this has absolutely nothing to do with you. It has to do with the fact that a narcissist only cares about his feelings. They are more concerned about how they "look" or how they " feel" more then anyone else around them.
When my ex boyfriend physically hurt me, and he failed to do anything to protect me, that's him being a punk. That's not me be worthless or of no value. I didn't deserve to be laying there without anyone protecting me. It was his JOB as a father to protect me and he didn't. For years my self worth plummeted and I had no idea that part of it may have stemmed from this particular day. My father should have protected me and he didn't. That DOES NOT mean I wasn't worth protecting. One of our three foundational needs as a human is safety. If that need goes unmet our perception of ourselves becomes altered and we are in a constant state of survival mode ( author Ally Wise). Being in survival mode year after year actually makes your body sick. It effects your mind, your decision making and you are truly sick. For years my anxiety was complicated by the fact that I didn't have anyone to actually count on to protect me. When that same boyfriend cheated on me ( again I had no sense of self worth) and I cried and showed my raw emotion, I was immediately scolded. Narcissists don't approve of you expressing yourself in any capacity. You're supposed to just listen and do as they like. Feel as they say. But if I could turn back time I would tell my younger self to LET IT OUT. Feel the heartache. Feel the betrayal. Feel the insecurity. Feel it all. These experiences shape us and help us to become able to process emotions in a healthy way as we grow older. Bottling up emotions never has a good outcome. Those emotions grow like cancer on your soul, until we are unable to control them any longer. Being emotionless or "strong" doesn't make you a better person. What if you simply don't want to be "strong". What if you want to experience your feelings and understand them so that in the future you know how to control them in a healthy way?
As I got older I began finding that little bit of courage I had to use my voice and speak on the things that bothered me. As you already know this went sideways every single time. I needed to step outside of the conversation or argument and gain perspective. I had to recall what I knew and learned about emotional intelligence. Is this person Capable of living up to my expectations in the first place? Is this person emotionally capable of understanding anyones feelings beside their own. What I really SHOULD have done was NOTHING! It is not my job to teach a grown man what he is doing right and wrong in life. It's not my job to explain to him how his actions are hurtful. It is not my job to protect his emotions or ego.  I should have just let him be. Let him exist as he pleases and then I CAN DECIDE wether or not his true personality is one I want in my life. I CAN create that boundary and if he doesn't like it, then most likely you can confirm that he indeed needed that boundary. You can not control anyones responses or emotions. What you can do is control how you respond to them. That is in your control. That ball is in your court. Don't pass that ball!!

If there is any message you take away from this chapter let it be this. No matter what your story is, no matter what your feelings are, no matter if you beg or plead, a narcissist will never take accountably. They will blame shift and gaslight you and they are always a hero in their own story. Once you no longer serve them a purpose. Once you are unable to be manipulated, they will become the victim in the story where they have you as the villain. This is probably very hard to understand now if you are at the beginning of your journey of healing, but please believe that there is a point where a victim of narcissism will become enlightened. The light bulb goes off and you start to undo all the things that were engrained in your mind by them. You'll start with self awareness, and eventually you will have self love. It takes time. It takes work. It takes digging into the places that are raw and still aching. It's not fun but it is so damn liberating to finally feel like you've stepped out of this vortex of lies and manipulation. Trust your journey.