From Broken to Beautifully Broken

The Lotus

A few months before my 40th birthday I was discharged from the eating disorder unit. I had over 200 hours of therapy under my belt and for the first time in my life I had slowly starting to appreciate myself. I was slowly loving myself. I was slowly understanding what was acceptable in my life and what no longer served it's purpose. I figured out who was worth having in my life, who never was and who never will be. But it was WORK. It took vulnerability, accountability, acceptance and perspective. I had to shift from thinking I was worthless to demanding respect and only allowing people to treat me at the level I would tolerate. It took talking about the things I thought I had forgotten about and talking about them out loud...to strangers. It took listening. It took reflecting. But believe me when I tell you, your mental health IS your health. If your mind and nervous system are not at peace, your entire health is at risk. You are worth all that hard work it will take to feel love for yourself.   Even after  being treated by an entire treatment team for 4 months, I will probably need therapy for life to continue to stay mentally healthy. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. In fact I would encourage everyone, struggling with their mental health or not, to see a therapist. It helps to hear yourself speak out loud or to see your words on paper.
You may have heard the saying through all darkness grows new things. The lotus is a very delicate, beautiful flower that grows out of extreme darkness. I like to think we can all be a form of the lotus. Through our darkest times, we need to remember it's because we are about to grow into something new and beautiful. It could even be said that a person dies a hundred times in one lifetime. That the person they were is no longer. The person they once were dies in that darkness but something new grew. Something better and beautiful. You shed the skin of your old life and created a new one. All those years of heartache were not wasted. You may have been broken so many times in life that you  very well could have just called it quits. But your are here, reading this, so I know somewhere inside you there is a seed sprouting, waiting for your next chapter.  But please know this, each tear was not lost. Each tear is a drop collected  in a bucket. That bucket is what gives you growth, a different mindset, higher standards, more self worth and more appreciation for the things you have to offer. The tears and grief make you wiser and stronger. Without the tears, your soul would be empty. The tears are what make up a part of you. The tears are the water that heals you and allows your soul growth and your heart to become stronger. And one day it will all make sense. One day all those cracks and chips... all the things that shattered you to the core...all the curveballs that you thought broke you, will ironically be all the things that make you whole.... all the things that make you beautifully broken.