we've been fighting the urges to intertwine for the entire time we've been together. we've gotten close so many times. and yet it never happens even when we both really want it to.
The second he appears they're kissing every five seconds. they're making out in front of me and ripping me apart limb by limb with every peck and every touch and every whisper and ever laugh and every cry and I can't do anything. I can't do anything for myself to stop them from ripping me apart and taking out my voice and everything that makes me. but most importantly I can't do anything for her.
I can't stop him from touching her when she doesn't want it. I can't stop him from saying manipulative crazy impulsive repulsive undescribable words. they touch and whisper and kiss and I hear every bit of it. I hear the shuffling and the sliding of skin under skin and the sweet sweet touches of lips on lips but it's nothing but sour to me. it's nothing but straight sour right into every stab wound made by him. he makes the wounds. she accidentally drops the salt. I know she doesn't want to hurt me or put salt in the wounds but I don't even know how much she knows those wounds exist. I can't stand it.
there is a little being right behind my throat. I like to call her lunar. she's not controlling the throat anymore other than closing it up and holding things back. but her herself is screaming. she's thrashing around and taking everything apart. she's finishing the mess that the man and his toy have started and she is not stopping. but it's all in my head. she can't do any real damage until I let her speak. she can't do any real damage until I let her take control and show on the outside. The second I let her out is the second I go. I go away. I've been gone since I saw the lifeless eyes of the woman I feel for describing to me her philosophy. her feelings of being so disposable and leaning into it. her plans to find and fix every broken person she possibly can and then leave. not leave them. but leave life.
I didn't know what to say. I didn't know how to feel. so I didn't. I didn't feel I didn't say anything important. I just sat there. I stared in the dark trying to make out the face of a broken girl. trying to search in the black to find the eyes I get lost in every chance I get.
I can't deal with the whispers anymkre
I can't deal with the touches anymore.
I can't do this
I can't do this
I can't help her I can't make her remember I can't make her face anything I can't make things better
I can't fix her I can't fix myself I can't break anything wrong with the world I can't fix anything without breaking I can't fix her without breaking me I can't fix him without breaking her j can't fix myself
I can't fix myself
I can't fix myself
I'm too far gone. I'm lost I'm not here anymore. I could get drunk or high or do shrooms or acid or zanny. I could fuck up this shit idea of a human in hopes to make it less shitty. I can drown myself in blood.
I want to do it
I want to cut again
I want the scars and the pain and the urge to scream
I want to scream in physical pain and agony.
I'm tired of wanting to scream in mental ache and agony.
I can't talk to anyone anymore. newfy has heard too much and I've put her through too much. Teb doesn't seem to wanna talk to me anymore. I ghosted everyone in the coolest kids and the one person I would talk to about everything including my problems and issues with her is petting the head of a dark haired tall monster while I sit on the couch internally losing my shit.
I can't do anything. I'm powerless. I'm powerless.
I'm broken again.
after years of fixing what was broken I've let it break again.
I did this to myself. I didn't get off the rollercoaster and now I'm chained down by my own promises while the rollercoaster is submerged. I can't breath.
I can't breathe because of ben
I can't breathe because of jax
I can't breathe because of adam
I can't breathe because of paige
I can't breathe because of myself
I've done this to myself.
so I need to end it.
