Where's the middle ground?
There are two sides. You can either be yourself, and be hated for it. Or you can be what everyone else wants you to be, and get hated for it. Even though that all exists, I don't know what I want. I love being called cute. I love feeling small and feeling tiny compared to everyone else. I dont know why but I just do. But in this new relationship, I'm finding that everyone sees me as the bigger one. I'm more confident and I'm more talkative. So intantly my mind say, "Well then shut up. Curl up in a ball, wear more blush, laugh more, talk less, and shut up. If they dont think you're small, we will show them." But I'm trying to fight it. I want to be seen as small and cute and innocent but what if thats not who I am. The shitty side of me wonders if the reason I like her so much is because she's everything I'm not. She has the curly hair I've always wanted. She has the fashion sense I can't afford to upkeep. She has the soft voice I wish I had. She has the innocence I wish I could have.
I cut my bangs again. Not because I wanted them again, but because they made me look cute. I want to be cute. But I also want to be charasmatic. But I want to be me. and what if I'm not cute. What if I'm not tiny.
She makes everything better. I mentioned all of this to her and she made it all better.... For that moment. Now i'm right back at square one. Everyone thinks im brave and big and confident when really I just want to be loved. I want people to like me for who I am but no matter what I do I'm contantly at a crossroads with who I am, who I should be, and who I want to be.
When I finally feel like I am who I really am on the inside, I start to hate it. My brain shuts down because who I really am, is not who I want to be. And I'm scared that all the work I try doing to get myself to be who I want to be, is just erasing who I really am. Creating a facade. But I don't want to love who I am because its all fake. I want to transform who I am inside, not cover it up. But it's hard. It's so hard.
So, If I'm trying to learn how to "love again", I guess I should try loving myself.
