hey, can I talk to you about something?
No. No I can't.
I'm sorry nevermind
don't apologize you dumb ass now they're gonna pry and pry until you tell them
I'm fine I promise
but you're not. You lied. congrats, by bringing up the fact that you could be sad you've hurt them. you're gonna hurt them more of you try reaching out again. You could say you're just tired. emotionally exhausted sounds too serious so let's leave it at tired.
why do I do this. I need help. I need support. but when I reach out suddenly it's all about me. other people are hurting too and nobody pays attention to them. I'm falling, sure, but hundreds of other people have it way way way worse. nobody else deserves to carry my baggage. even if they think they can, they probably overestimate how emotionally available they are.
last time you opened up to someone about a current event that makes you emotional, they picked apart your character and deemed you toxic. You were. your mindset was that if people didn't read into everything you did and said, they didn't care about you. that was toxic. You hurt your friends.
now here I am hurting my friends again.
You're tired and she asked if you were okay. You didn't open up to her so she asked if it was about her girlfriend. It wasn't about her girlfriend. But you couldn't imagine possibly lying in case part of the problem could be that situation. So you didn't deny it. So now your best friend has pushed you away because you can't open up, but you also can't lie, but you also can't tell the truth. I would say you're stuck in an endless cycle but it's more like a washing machine. You are tumbling around and around and around. You are bruised and broken and hurting but when anyone wants to reach a hand out and help you, you turn them down because of the slight possibility you could drag them with you.
congrats.
you're not immune to your own toxicity it seems.
