𝗡𝗲𝗲𝗱 𝗬𝗼𝘂 𝗡𝗼𝘄 🤍

•𝗧𝗼𝗺𝗺𝘆'𝘀 𝗧𝗿𝗼𝘂𝗯𝗹𝗲𝘀•

A/N: Flashback in italics.

•🍂•

Tommy's POV, 24th February 2008

Recording was hard... I'd forgotten how hard it was being around Nikki, working so closely with him again... the last few years we'd only done the odd song for a compilation album but not a full album, not an album which will take months to complete, it was getting impossible.

I'm hardly getting through the sessions, I'm so close to just blurting to Nikki that I love him and kiss him so fucking shamelessly but I couldn't, I couldn't ruin the relationship we'd managed to scrape together, this awkward friendship limbo we were stuck in.

I don't want Nikki to hate me for making a move he's not comfortable with but it's hard because I know we still love each other, it's so hard to look at him knowing that.

Today has been fucking slow, and I haven't been able to remove Nikki from my head all fucking day, and you know what that's driven me to do? Drink.

I'm pretty wasted, I'm not even gonna lie- but I'm not going to stop I'm just gonna keep drinking, nobody's here to stop me- it helps take the pain away.

I hate being alone but I can't be with anyone but than with Nikki, I just want Nikki. But, you'd think after all this time I'd be used to being here all alone, but no, I'm not... being here constantly reminds me of Nikki, every room in this damn house holds precious memories of us, it hurts to stay, yet I can't find in myself to part with one of the last things I have of Nikki and I's time together.

We chose this house together, brought it together, lived here, loved here... I can't part with that as much as I want too sometimes.

I still expect Nikki to walk through the door and sweep my off my feet taking me upstairs to our bedroom, no questions asked... but it never happens... it never will again a part of me can't accept that though, it still holds on to hope that one day Nikki will walk back through that door and everything will be as it once was, that I'll be happy again.

It's silly but I can't help it, our relationship shouldn't have ended, certainly not in the way it did.

In a way I feel like I let Nikki down because I hadn't managed to convince him of his self worth and the fact he deserved to be loved- I failed him when he needed me and I can't forgive myself for that.

It wasn't my fault exactly but I could have probably done more to tell him that his problems didn't bother me before he made up his mind to break up with me.

Being in this house without Nikki just didn't feel right, it was never intended for me to live here alone- Nikki gave me this house almost as a peace offering to try and make up for breaking my heart but if anything it broke me more.

My eyes trail around the living room where I was sat on the couch with a bottle of Jack in my hand, this was my second bottle but the first one was only half full so it's not as bad as it sounds though I will admit it's still pretty bad.

Being here without Nikki had been hitting me hard lately and I can't fathom why.

I huff and raise the bottle of Jack Daniels up to my lips and take another drink of it, finishing the bottle off- recalling some of the memories we'd had in this house.