Threads of Tapestry

She Always Want To See Me

SHE ALWAYS WANT TO SEE ME

Before Yancy became my girlfriend, she was already fond of studying. She loves to learn new things and reads books to broaden her knowledge of many things.

It sounds cliche, but I was once a rebellious student before that changed because of a hardworking and plain student like her. Kaya ganoon nalang ang pagtataka ko sa bigla niyang pagbabago.

"Why did you skip your classes?" My brows furrowed as I asked her as she came to the college building where I was during her class. I am a college student, while she's in senior high, q grade 12 student.
 
She's not like this; she's afraid to skip any classes. And I'm upset about what she's doing now.
 
I just want to see you," she said. She started fiddling her fingers. God knows how much I want to see her so many times a day, but we also need to study and focus on our priorities.

"But you don't have to skip your class just to look for me." I tried to calm myself. "Do you have any problem?"

She's been acting differently recently. Ayon sa seatmate niya halos isang linggo na din siyang hindi pumapasok.

She shook her head. "I just want to be with you." Then she started hugging me. I didn't respond to the hug. I just hung my hands down and let her hug me.

What happened to you, Yan? This is not you.

Yancy was a silent, not garish, type of girl. She often takes everything all by herself rather than telling others. She's afraid to bother anyone—even me, her boyfriend.
 
Ilang araw pa ang lumipas at patuloy pa rin ang pagpapaliban niya sa klase. Alam kong kahit tanungin ko siya ng tanungin ay hindi niya rin sasabihin sa akin kaya minabuti ko ng tanongin ang lahat sa tito at tita niya na siyang nangangalaga sa kanya.

"Hindi naman talaga ganyan ang 'yang batang 'yan and you know it as her boyfriend. Sinubukan na namin siya pagsabihan ang pero hindi siya nakikinig. Intindihin mo nalang muna ang pamangkin namin dahil kamamatay lang ng lola niya," her uncle said.

Yancy loves her grandma so much. She was very close to her. She said she didn't know what to do if she lost her. And like her uncle said as her boyfriend, I understand it. I should always be by her side right now, when she's going through the dark times, but being reckless just to be with me is not the answer.

I feel like I'm being a distraction to her now. She's not even listening to me! It's frustrating!

The next day, she went to me again. I clenched my fist when I saw her walking with a short skirt and too much make-up on her face. I mean, nothing's wrong with her dressing like that, but I don't like it. We're in school, and I want to protect her from people's judgment and gossip.

Why is she even doing this? This is not her. This is not my girlfriend.

And according to what I heard and saw on Facebook, she often went to the nightclub in those past few days and got drunk! Without even consulting me!

Damn!

When I saw it, I couldn't help but punch a wall. I don't know if it's rage from her doing that without telling me—I won't let her either if she does —or rage to myself that I believe in those without her words.
 
"Yan, what's wrong with you?!" galit na galit na tanong ko.

I immediately pulled her closer to me and tied my jacket around her waist to cover her legs because of the short skirt she wears. "Why did you go to that place? Why do you wear that kind of daring outfit? Why haven't you attended your classes for two weeks? Why can't you tell me your problems? I'm your boyfriend for fucking shit's sake, Yan!"
 
I ran my fingers through my hair to release my disappointment and put my gaze back on her, trying not to burst into a cry.

It melted my heart with a pang.

"Pagod na pagod na ako, babe! Gustong gusto mo 'ko makita palagi pero ni isa wala kang sinasabi sa'kin!" Her eyes glinted with tears at what I stated.

"I'm sorry..." The only words I got.

———

"Yancy, she just started being a filthy-flirty bitch,"

"I saw her talking to an unfamillar guy on the night club yesterday."

"Look at her skirt; she looks like a go-go dancer at the nightclub entertaining drunk men."

"Oh my gosh! Wayne should break up with her! That bitch!"

Wala naman talaga akong pakealam sa sinasabi ng ibang tao. Sa totoo lang, gusto ko silang bulyawan sa mga sinasabi nila sa girlfriend ko. Yes, she's going to a club, but I know she won't do anything more than drink there!

I love her so much, but seeing her like this and our repeated sequence: she will look for me—tell nothing—I will tell her to stop and redeem herself—she will be sorry but will not listen, exhausts me.

I want to help her. I want to fix her, but she doesn't want to let me. Hindi ako napapagod na mahalin siya, pero siguro kailangan na muna naming mamahinga bago kami nang dalawa ang tuluyang mapagod.

I want to look for her from afar, fixing herself.

"Yan, let's have a rest. I know you won't tell me everything that's why I'm letting you fix yourself—Let's break up." I felt like a hammer hammered my heart so hard while saying those to her. Lalo pa nang makita ko ang tuloy-tuloy na pag agos ng luha mula sa mga mata niya.

Maybe this break up would fix the both of us...

Tears started escaping from my eyes.

My heart aches so much while staring at her grave. Kung alam ko lang na ganoon ang ginagawa sa kanya ng uncle and auntie niya, sana ay hindi ako umalis sa tabi niya, sana hindi ako umalis sa tabi niya hanggang sabihin niya sa akin ang lahat.

Two days before she committed suicide, I visited her, but she wasn't there. There was no one in their house, so I asked one of their good neighbors, who confessed everything to me. What she said is enough to shatter my heart and kill the rest of me.
 
"After her grandma died, her uncle started to rape and molestate her, while her auntie was using her body for an online transaction and dancing at the nightclub, which was paid for. Her auntie also burned all of her decent clothes and let her wear a daring one to attract public customers. She wasn't able to tell you anything because her uncle said if she didn't keep her mouth sealed, he would look after you and kill you."

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She always wanted to see me because she needed me, only me, and not my help.
 
—

Words by: Ayeri Bliss

Hope y'all are alright.