Nine Lives

The Red Button

What did he just say?

I stared at him shocked, every spark of my being gravitating towards his words. He didn't know me, or my regrets, or my secrets...but I felt like he felt them. The look he was giving me, with hooded eyes and a simple smile, along with the gentle gesture that spun his masculine features into a web of delicacy. How could he possibly know my endgame...

"Take it as a sign"

A sign. God, why play these cruel tricks on me now?

I was slightly irritated. This is the opportunity i'd been waiting for since...well, forever. But under such weird circumstances, and major complications played a part. If only Blake was a Belle. Then Jackson might just let me go...

"Amelia. Think about it. I don't need an answer tonight...let me know by the end of tomorrow, rest and reevaluate." Fuck, he really was serious.

"I...I really don't know what to tell you, Blake." I stuttered, folding into myself with disappointment over the fact I couldn't say yes to something I so desperately wanted to take the goddamn risk on.

Blake ushered his hands towards me, shuffling closer and pulling my hair out of my eyes. "Life is the red button" he riddled, "one tempted push, one wrong move, one moment of regret...and its gone. The button is pushed, and there's no turning back. Theres no point in confining the button to a life of bubble wrapped walls and a polystiring safety net when it could slip at any moment. Risk the push of that button...otherwise, fear will overcome. Don't wait for death to push it for you...live like he has his finger ready to push." He lifted my chin and held my gaze, a reminder of that day on the beach sparking alarm bells. But with my tensed muscles and terrified eyes, Blake carefully cupped my chin and hushed me under his breath. "You know I'd keep you safe, right?"

Tears sprung to my eyes. His gentle touch, the tender promises and caring gestures, they made me believe in good people, the people I screamed for every day. He was a good person. Someone I wanted in my life. If only it was that simple..."Let me think"

"Of course, it's getting late, I should get you home." He held my face for a second longer, our eyes locked into oblivion as I melted into his touch, feeling safer than I ever had. I knew this stranger would guard me with his everything, and that's what let the tear out. One tear, singular and oval. It splashed onto my rosy cheeks, staining the sweat with utter disappointment, a rivers spring leading to a dark cave.

"Ok." Blake caught the tear in-between his fingers, wiping its path of destruction as I cowered away with embarrassment. Yet, he said nothing. With a flicker of a smile, that said every word perfectly, I suddenly wasn't so embarrassed anymore. He understood.

'Lets get you home safe."

...

I sat on the edge of my bed and cried.

I just had the most amazing night of my life, yet I was crying. What kind of fuckery is this?

After Blake dropped me home, I felt the tension in the air. His question loomed over us like a cloud of doom...the 50/50 decision weighed on a scale in front of me. Half drew me towards the greatest adventure I would ever embark on; the other half drew me away from the risk I would be subjecting myself to...the risk that  I could change my mind about dying.

"Just think about it, okay? Be quick though, it needs to be this week before my schedule becomes permanent." Blake said as I unbuckled my seatbelt after our journey in silence.

I looked up from my slump with puppy-dog eyes, naturally struck with a wave of sadness the evening was over. "I will, I promise." I lied.

"Good. If it makes your decision any easier, I really want you to say yes." He flashed his million pound smile, and tapped his fingers on the dashboard as I revealed a smile half the size. "God, you have a beautiful smile."

The only way to make a beautiful smile gorgeous is by saying so. I spread my lips, smiling more than I had in months. The jungle in my belly came to life. "Blake..."

And right then, I was going to tell him about everything. My date with death, what had led me to this point, the fact I had a boyfriend. His name formed on my lips...the fact it was his birthday...the truth that I was seeing him tomorrow to exchange gifts. The J formed on my lips, until...

"...no words. Just thoughts." And his hand was on top of mine. He held my slender fingers in his palms, rubbing the cold away with his warmth. The jungle screamed, monkeys screeching, otters clicking and lions roaring. I let him take it and rub his thumb up and down, antagonising the animals further.

It was a while until he let go. The jungle died down, and guilt set in stone. Jackson...

Medusa was still torturing me. The stone cold guilt settled in the lions den, sending shivers down my spine whenever I thought of the heated hand holding. I was a loyal girlfriend, I shouldn't be hanging out with other boys, right? Especially not delicious, witty, sweet eye candy...

As I sat there, tears staining my pyjamas, I turned my phone screen on to distract myself. No new texts from Jackson, but for once, I didn't see myself drawn to his name...only the careful code of B R O N Z E R boldly highlighted at the top of my messages. In a moment of panic, I decided to delete our conversation. If Jackson saw, there would be no debate on wether I was going tomorrow or not...and I wanted to hang onto the hope of a better life for just a smidge longer.

Song Dedication - Hard Sometimes, Ruel