Hades' Halls

The Plan

Hades dunked the custard cream into his tea, letting it soften for seven seconds before removing it and taking a bite. With a contented sigh he leant back in his plush leather armchair as he felt the warmth seeping to his stomach. Seven seconds, the perfect amount of time; any less and the crunch was too notable, anymore and you would wind up with a sodden mess at the bottom of your bone china teacup. Nobody wanted that.

Just like Thetis dipping Achilles into the River Styx, Hades swirled the remaining half of the biscuit in his cup by holding only the very edge so that all possible surface area was covered.

Hades had needed this. So many things had gone wrong recently; Persephone leaving him indefinitely, the fires from the pits spreading to the record offices and of course there had been that incident with his assistant. That had been unfortunate. Still, it was not the end of the world (yet), and what problem cannot be solved with a nice cup of tea and a plate of biscuits.

Yep, there was no doubt about it, life was on the up.

There was a knock at the door.

Gently, Hades placed his teacup back on its matching saucer and pushed them to the side. One never knew what form of demon was going to enter that door and it was best to move any breakable object out of direct harm's way.

"Come", he said using his deep voice reserved for business. It was always good to have them trembling before they walked in.

The door opened without a squeak. Hades was a big fan of WD-40.

Whatever devilish creature Hades had been expecting, the thing which entered through the door was not it. Most demons liked to show their true colours as it were, rotting teeth, decaying skin, unpleasant warts. Some chose to imitate Hades, with immaculate suits, highly styled goatees and shoes which clicked. Then there was Woe who had gone the whole shebang, walking round looking like a zombie who spent an inordinate of time at the gym. This demon was even more bizarre.

A little below average height, he had blond hair which flopped over one eye and stuck up at the back implying he had got it done at a salon which specialised in electric shocks. His plain cotton shirt was void of a tie and only half tucked into his poorly ironed trousers, a thing which made Hades clench his toes. Walking in with a jaunty step and a gleam in his eyes, he gave a nervous smile to Hades. All in all, he was the definition of charmingly scruffy.

Hades scowled.

"And who might you be?", Hades asked.

He asked this in the same way a police officer would ask a man drenched in blood with a hatchet slung proudly over one shoulder 'I take it you're going to plead not guilty?'. Ready for disappointment.

The demon smiled and did a part salute part bow which turned into a strange version of the Jitterbug.

"Spike, Gov".

"Spike?". Hades' scowl grew deeper. "What are you, a dog?".

"No, no, not at all Gov", Spike was quick to reassure. "Although they do say my great uncle Menace was part hyena. It was the teeth you see, Gov, and the warped sense of humour".

Hades had to close his eyes for a moment. The day had started out so hopefully.

"I care not about your genealogy, do not vex me with such things. I asked who you were Spike and all I received was a poor excuse of a name...."

"Oh, I know it isn't much", Spike was quick to intervene. "It was my old Ma you see. She wanted to name me Spite after her grandmother but when it came to writing my birth certificate, she got the spelling wrong. My Ma never was any good at her letters you see and because the document was official the name sort of stuck. Personally...."