Hades' Halls

The underwhelming joy of freshers - Part 2

Five minutes earlier .... The hands of the clock struck two as a charming little ting sang out through the room.

Tick. A second passed by.

"They're late", said Hades in a voice usually found about two thirds of the way through a disaster film. The moment when the idiot leader of a nation who failed to listen to scientists and common sense proclaims, 'We're doomed'.

"I wouldn't worry about it, Gov'", said Spike, folding laundry in the corner. "The young are always late; it's the way things have been since the dawn of time."

"I know", said Hades, "I was there. Honestly, the entire cosmos to explore and even amoebas struggled to get out of bed before the start of the Archean period."

Hades leant back in his chair and scowled at the wall before remembering the time it had taken him to perfect the paintwork. He really must remember to control his emotions while he was here on Earth. Everything was just so combustible and, unlike back home, people asked questions when fireballs went zipping through the sky.

"To be honest, Gov", Spike said, balling up a pair of Hades' cashmere socks, "I think you are going to have to prepare yourself for quite a few struggles this year. I've been doing my research into the human youth and there are things which will make your skin crawl."

"Such as?", asked Hades, thinking nothing could be worse than the two weeks he and Persephone spent at her mother's in the autumn of 1407. Now that had been a bitter winter.

"Wellllll", said Spike, wondering now to break the news lightly. "Apparently, they don't hoover, and they leave their dishes in the sink without washing them. There are also rumours – just rumours mind – that they leave dirty laundry under their beds for weeks."

Hades felt slightly sick to the stomach, something which had not happened since the invention of the NHS. He could not let Spike see this, though, it was never good to show weakness in front of the staff.

"No one said this was going to be easy, Spike. I'm afraid you are just going to have to demon up about this whole thing." Hades spoke with a bravado he did not feel, waving his hands around to emphasis just how unconcerned he was over the shocking level of hygiene about to enter his house.

"We are just going to have to lower our standards. In any case, Exeter is a small city. The students who come here won't be anywhere near as bad as those in larger metropolises."

"I was going to say, Gov, that it was mightily clever of you to set up this accommodation in a smaller area. I was talking with the guys over a flagon of mead the other day, and they were all saying how something like this just wouldn't work in a big place like London. With so many people, it would have been difficult to ensure the subjects of your experiment did not waver off track."

"Hmmmm", said Hades, a pleased smile on his face.

While outwardly, Hades appeared smug, inside he was thanking whatever blip in the universe caused him to go through life only able to sweat at 3000°c plus. Unknown to Spike, or indeed, anyone else, Hades had messed up, big time. Truth be told, he had wanted to set up shop in a bustling metropolis; a place where temptations lay around ever corner. From what Hades had seen so far, the only places in Exeter that offered anything like that was a couple of second rate nightclubs with poor taste in music and a slightly raunchy biography of Byron in the public library.

"And look at it", Spike continued, oblivious to Hades' inner thoughts. "It's a perfect day. Record temperatures, blue skies and fluffy white clouds. What more could one want?".

Hades leant back in his chair, steepled his fingers and gave Spike an appraising look.

"Are you sure you're a demon?", he asked.

Spike opened his mouth, about to give Hades an inordinately convoluted run down of his family history.

A military banging on the door delivered Hades from this fate.

"Ah", Hades said, rising from his chair. "Finally."

"I'll go let them in Gov", said Spike, picking up the laundry basket full of folded clothes and leaning it against his hip.

"I'll get it Spike", Hades said, striding past him. "First impressions are the ones that last and it would be a sorry day if what they take from this experience is an image of you. Rather than sinners, all we will create will be a group of domestic goddesses."

Spike knew this to be an insult on the part of Hades, but still felt a warm glow in the pit of his stomach at the fact his boss thought he was good at his job.

Leaving Spike to dispense with the laundry, Hades glided down the stairs to the ground floor, his shoes tapping resonantly against the polished wood.

The solid door stood before him and Hades reached out to release the latch. Rethinking this, Hades' turned and admired himself in the hallway mirror.

"Oh yes", Hades thought as he swiped an invisible strand of hair off his sleeve. "This shall be one mighty first impression".

Winking at his reflection, Hades swivelled on his heels and pulled the door open, the recently WD40'd hinges doing their part.

"Welcome", Hades announced like a master of ceremonies. "Welcome". 

Hello my few and beloved readers. I hoped you enjoyed reading this as much as I did writing it. I'm getting to the point where when I talk about Hades and Spike to my family I momentarily forget they aren't real and trying to set up shop in the beautiful city of Exeter. Oh well .... just another reason to keep on writing.