So he holds me.
And I try to relax to the sound of his strong heartbeat.
We stayed like that for about 10 minutes I guess, before he broke the silence.
"I don't know what's going through your head. I have no idea. And it's weird to me. I usually understand people pretty fast. But you're getting me messing up" he chuckles a little "I don't know what's going on, but I promise you with every single part of my heart that you are safe with me.
You can hate me, you can yell at me, you can be mad at me for teas you or for trying to help you, you can stay mad at the world and things like that, but here with me, you are safe. I want to be your safe place" he whispers in the last part.
I don't know why this guy is so thoughtful and kind to me.
I'm a disaster. And I always spoil everything. Why should I deserve someone like him.
Not even a week ago I hated him.
And now? I let him hold me for the dear life.
I sniff a little.
My tremor has subsided a little.
But I still have tears in my eyes.
He strokes my hair shushing me, rocking me back and forth slowly.
I don't know what the hell I was feeling!
Right now, right here, I feel loved.
As if someone really cared about me as a person and not as a money or popularity machine.
But at the same time, I'm terrified.
He is still a doctor. He still wants to take care of that cut and torture me with his tools. And if he only knew the conditions of my body like the scars, the bruises, the pain, he would probably care so much and want to take control.
I can not do that.
I can't.
Stiching a cut means needle.
Needle means pain.
I can't do this.
My breathing was getting heavy and I think he noticed.
"Hey ssshhh. It's alright love, deep breaths in and out" he silences.
"Charlie ... I know it can be very difficult ... but could you tell me what you are thinking love? What brought you into such a panic state?" he asks with a more than worried air.
I think whether to tell him or not.
I've already embarrassed myself so what is going to change?
I take a shaky breath "Y-you ..." I whisper looking at my shaking hands.
His expression was illegible.
It was a mix of confusion, worry and guilt.
"Me?" he asks.
I nod slowly without looking at him.
He was shocked. I can tell.
"Did I ... do something that made you ... uncomfortable?" he asks, pain in his voice.
Oh God. He thinks that he reminds me of that creep.
God now I feel guilty.
I shake my head no.
He sighed in relief "So ... do you want to tell me why I made you panic?" His voice was so full of emotion, but despite that, he kept it in control by sounding almost sure of what he was saying. But I knew the truth.
"I-I-I" I murmur.
I swallow the lump in my throat.
"Y-you are s-sc-aring m-me" I stammer again.
Oh God Charlie grow up!
All the emotions on his face dropped.
"Am I scaring you? Oh my God Charlie ... I'm so sorry ... have I used too much ... physical contact? Or I don't know, did I say something wrong? I'm so sorry, please don't be afraid of me. I would never hurt you, I never could, I swear" he says feeling guilty.
His voice was so sincere. I need to tell him.
I shake my head no.
"I-I-I ..." I look at his bag, then at him and finally at my hands "I'm afraid of doctors ..." I whisper.
I was so embarrassed.
I'm 17! I should have grown up.
But trauma cannot be healed that easily.
I feel a hand under my chin slowly raise it.
For the first time tonight I look him in the eye.
Tears were forming in my eyes and the trembling was starting again.
His expression looks even more softened.
He takes me in a warm embrace, stroking my hair again.
"Love ... Has it always been like this? Have you been afraid of me all this time and you have never said anything to me?"
I nod with a sob.
His grip tightens.
"Honey... I'm so sorry. I should have asked you before ... I didn't even think about it. Last time, with your wrist, you were so ... indifferent ..."
Then he realizes.
"Is that why you didn't want painkillers?" he asks worried.
I just nod.
"My God my love ... you should have told me ... I could have help you earlier ... You must have been in so much pain"
He was blaming himself.
His voice is so full of emotion and I would like to say something but my voice disagrees.
"Would you like to tell me why you're so scared sweetie?"
Hell, no.
I start shaking my head vigorously.
"Okay okay, it's not important right now. Why didn't you tell me earlier?" he asks, his voice always kind and caring.
But I remain silent.
"Are you ashamed?" he asks.
I take a shaky breath and quickly nod my head.
"Oh darling ... there's nothing to be embarrassed about. Everyone has their fears and we can't do much about it" he comforts me.
"P-please don't t-tell anyone," I whisper.
He froze.
"D-did you think I was going to make fun of you?"
I remain silent.
"Honey I never could. You never have to worry about that, okay? Don't even think about it." he says in a firm but still gentle tone.
We stayed like this another 5 minutes when he talks again.
"Honey, I know this is really scary for you but I don't want this to be like that, okay? You have nothing to be afraid of. I will tell you everything I do, I will be extremely gentle and you will be pain free in no time" he smiles a little.
I just cried a little bit more making a little sound.
"Okay, it's okay," he says softly.
"N-n-needle" and I start crying again.
"Honey, I promise you, it won't be that bad. I'm not gonna lie to you, okay? Because of the position, size and depth of the cut it might be a bit uncomfortable. All you will feel is a sharp pinch and then a lot of pressure maybe with a little pain or a burning sensation because it's a really bad cut baby. But I promise, it will take something like 20 seconds! 20 seconds and you won't feel anything! Isn't that a good deal? " he says sincerely and with an encouraging tone.
"S-s-car-ed" I say sobbing.
Oh God. I can't even make a meaningful sentence.
"I know love, I know. But I'm not lying to you when I say everything will be fine. All you have to do is lie down, I'll take care of the rest! And if you feel pain or like it's too much, tell me or let me understand that you want me to stop and I will. We can go at your pace honey, there's nothing to rush. I know you don't want to, and neither do I, but we have to to make sure you'll feel better honey" he says softly stroking my hair.
I look at him.
I pout my lip. Tears in my eyes.
"Honey ...." he strokes my cheek "Shall we try hmmh? We can stop when you need it or you want it"
I think about it.
I cannot stay in this state forever.
I stick out my pincky.
He looks at it and smiles, crossing his finger with mine.
