Dear Universe, Up Yours!

Chapter 9

I felt my breath, the muscles in my hands, and all the nerves expediently reintegrate to my body once we passed the mundane Belleville welcome sign from behind. I felt so stupidly selfish though as well, because all he wanted to do was visit his brother before he'd completely leave his shitty hometown. And I reacted so revoltingly appalling, oblivious to why he was driving back. I still felt relief as he drove along the road away from there, but indisputedly and deplorably guilty too.

I definitely fell asleep in the car again. I do it a lot, I've realized. And when I woke up, I read on my watch that it was 3:07 p.m. It seemed that we were driving out of a gas station, and looking at the dashboard, the fuel tank was full. Thank god, actually. I was always awkward around the employees filling up the car for you, 'cause they'd just look at you through the window. It was the same thing with car washes too. You didn't really know what to do because you were being watched. It wasn't deep at all though, it was just really fucking awkward and felt super weird.

Again, Gerard and I still didn't know where we were going, just as long as it was far from our home. That was the only important thing with this. But I still felt extremely insecure about the whole situation, again. I don't know why, it's just that I was used to people leaving me because of the burden I become to them, and I just want to know how Gerard genuinely feels before he may abruptly leave me. I don't know how greatly selfish it sounds, but I know that it is, which makes me mad at myself even more right now. Ever since I've been with Gerard, his presence has been making me self-reflect too much, like a dangerous, epiphanous amount. I was an asshole and I always have been. I never wanted to admit that, nor have the thought came across my mind, because I always thought I was right every single time I make a stupid mistake. I always said and did the wrong things though. I really did. I wouldn't want to be around somebody who I just started talking to, who kills another in front of me either, though, so I could get why Gerard would ever leave. I've owned up to my feelings about loneliness, and I can admit to myself that I don't like it, knowing that there is somebody in the world who won't leave me alone in the worst times, maybe. It was difficult to predict whether Gerard would leave or stay, which scared the hell out of me. Being in Belleville, in that small town, always was predictable. Predictable classes, people, crimes on every corner, everything was predictable and I was used to that. I wasn't happy with it, but I was used to it. But Gerard wasn't predictable. He was also somebody I felt that I needed to find out. I didn't know if he was going to leave me, and that properly scared the shit out of me.

I feel like there's something incredibly off. Like everything was wrong. I have this bad feeling that we're going to be separated soon, that he's going to leave me, and I won't know what to do once he does. The more I ask him if he's willing to stay with me, the more closure I get. But it somehow also backfires, and makes me feel worse about it. The two opposing feelings just cancel each other out and it becomes neutral at this point until the thought of the things I've done get back in my head. I hated how complicated everything could be.

"Gerard?" I began, scratching at my fingernails then flicking each nail with my thumb. This was a dumb habit I did whenever I was nervous. As in, that only happened when I was nervous, and I'm never nervous, so it was kind of signifying whenever I was.

"Hm?" His lips were a straight line, eyes focused on the road all over again.

"I'm sorry. For everything, and I..." I never felt so sure about what I was about to say. "I completely understand if you don't want to stay with me, and if you want to go back home, but... I don't know, you're the only person, yet, I've met that... Makes things make sense? I don't know- I don't know how to explain it, you're just... Look, I don't want to hear it later, so are you fine, positively fine, with driving away from home inside a car with me sitting like, right beside you?"