Dear Universe, Up Yours!

Chapter 18

My eyes had drowsily opened to a smoky light blue sky as I had woken up. I was laid out on the grainy, loose sand, the sound of the ocean's light waves soothingly filling my ears. I finally turned to my side to be met with Gerard, his eyelashes sweetly fluttering open. He was now awake and when he noticed me, he smiled brightly, his pale thin lips becoming so wide, his cheeks nearly equal to their hue. I adjusted my arm, letting my hand hold my head and Gerard had done the same thing as we both looked at each other in silence, comfortably appreciating each other's presence.

***

We were now walking leisurely along the placid shore, our shoes left in the area we slept at by the radio, our bare feet touching the soft, dry sand not too far from the tide. We had walked in silence, maybe just simply admiring the waves, the breeze, the sky, the clouds, the view, each other. I indulged in his presence. But that kiss, it has been relentlessly on my mind ever since my lips had pleasingly attached to his.

I didn't want to freak him out or put him on the spot about it, in case he regrets it. Would he have regretted it? I had just a minor feeling he didn't, but he was just so always goddamn affable that I couldn't tell if he was genuinely content with something or not. What if he doesn't like me the way I assume he does? What if it was all a daunting act of desperation? He's not like that, though. And if he wants to talk about it, we can. If he doesn't... Then what am I gonna do? Fuck. Maybe I'm overreacting. I do that a shit ton. But it can't just be some forgotten or worthless memory of our journey together. It's gotta mean something. I just want clarity once more. I just need closure.

After looking ahead as we roamed for the past few minutes, I turned to look at Gerard. But goddammit, his side profile was so fucking gorgeous. And the debilitating thought that I could never let him go flooded terribly in my mind. Because I can't. Because losing him would get me to lose myself.

"Gerard?" I began, and he stopped walking immediately once I did, looking at me as he had lightly hummed bewilderedly in response. His whole face was relaxed looking at me, his eyes were soft and lips together in a straight line, waiting for me to speak. "How do... er... How do you feel about me? Why, uh... why did you ask me to kiss you?"

Finishing my question, I detected a small blush appear benevolently across Gerard's small, round face, a crooked smile reaching his lips as the pupils in his bright eyes dilated. His face itself was very pale so it would be very apparent when he would blush. And maybe I'm grateful for that. "Um... Well... Being with you this whole time, I've felt so many things I haven't felt before. But I knew that those feelings, they were good. They made me feel good. You made me feel... good. So I wanted something with you. Something intimate. Close. And kissing you was the only right thing to do in my mind. Except I asked you to do it and I didn't start off myself. I don't know which one is braver," he chuckled darkly. Suddenly I felt worth something.

I looked down at my feet first, surrounded by the pale, grainy sand that sunk easily under them. Then I stared at, if possible, each minuscule grain as an underlying feeling of fluster was rushing upon me, hoping that the pieces of the earth would set my mind straight. And suddenly, a thought had intruded my head, one in which that could make things feel right, and it was pretty simple. "Okay," I said, nodding lightly and then moving my head up, looking directly at him. "Then kiss me."

"What?"

"I want you to kiss me... Will you? I mean, if that's okay."

Gerard nodded slightly, then leaned in hesitantly, shortly backing away but coming back closer. I heard his breath trembling, but then his eyes had shut slowly, lashes fluttering, and I felt his lips finally press to mine. I kissed him back and placed my hands on his hips, dragging them up to his shoulders, then finally cupping his face. His skin was unbelievably soft and delicate, so I treated it like any other fragile yet beautiful piece of art and let my fingertips lightly touch his jaw, ears, and neck. Gerard, surprisingly, hummed out of nowhere and turned his head for a better angle.