This is all too much

eating

i know i shouldnt be happy and proud of myself when i dont eat

but i cant help it

it doesnt help all that much but it makes me feel in control

im getting there again

i want to stop eating

my parents will get suspicious 

so will my friends 

now that i have friends that care about me

i ate dinner a second ago 

and i really wish i hadnt 

i know its good and healthy that i did

but i hate exercising it makes me feel bad about myself

why i have no idea

part of my mind is telling me to stop eating

another is telling me im beautiful and should eat

another tells me i need to do better

maybe if i cut down 

or stopped all together

i would be happy

i would be skinny 

i would love myself

idk if thats true and idk if its not

i guess ill find out one way or another

(i want everyone to take care of themselves and pls if this triggers you dont read it, this is my life as a mentally ill teen)