Finally back home

5. He was all that Mattered

pov Tommo

I wish I wasn't me. I wish I didn't have to choose. I wish I had a simple life. I wish I could call him mine. I wish it wasn't this hard, us, moving on, everything. Just everything. 

I don't know how he'll react if he knew Irish_Potatoe was me.

Wait I just texted him. I texted the love of my life. I texted my Haz. 

The only reason he replied is because you made a secret account, how sad.

I wanted to talk to him more. I wanted to keep talking to him, but it hurts. It fucking hurt. His jokes. They made me smile as I remembered that time his cow joke failed in front of the whole stadium in one of our concerts and before I know it memories of all the boys were flooding back to him. I suddenly remember I need to catch up with payno and nialler this week. I type in a message to Payno. 

It's 11 a.m. There's no way Liam's awake.

 Harry kept texting me, was he drunk? I wanted to reply soo bad but I couldn't. just couldn't.  It's been 7 fucking years. and I'm still calling him the love of my life.

💔💔💔

me: Hazza no we can't . I can't do this anymore haz. I can't pretend that we are fine when we're clearly not 

It stung. I closed my eyes and blinked fast as I let the tears fall. he touched me and held my hand. I felt warmth in the cold. I felt light in the darkness, but i let go, shook my hand and harry tried to hold it again but I slapped it away. I saw the pain in his eyes and i saw my reflection.  I felt like a beast. even thought this was as much as painful for me. I couldn't help feeling the guilt weighing me down like a rock. I felt it tug my heart. It fell. 

My heart dropped with the rock.

Harry: What. What are you saying? What do you mean?

Harry looked broken. He was completely vulnerable and raw. He was defenseless and I just attacked him. I felt myself breaking. I couldn't stand it anymore. I had to go from there before I ran and succumbed to him. I need to do this. As the tears ran down my face , I screamed. 

me: Haz no don't make this harder for me. I want you to be happy. I don't want this. I want you but we can't hazza. I finally mustered up the courage to do this . I'm sorry. 

I'm sorry. 

me: Haz i love you too but we are not meant to be. Perhaps in another universe but not here. I just want you to be happy H. I'm not enough, why can't you see. You deserve better. We can't keep doing this. Lets just end this and move on. You'll be happier H. 

I see the look in his eyes change from sadness to anger.

Harry: YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO FUCKING DECIDE WHAT I DESERVE AND WHAT I DON'T . YOU CAN'T FUCKING MAKE MY CHOICES FOR ME. YOU'RE JUST FUCKING WEAK. YOU CAN'T FIGHT FOR ME. THAT'S ALL. YOU'RE THE ONLY THING THAT MAKES ME HAPPY BUT IT TURNS OUT YOU DON'T EVEN THINK THIS IS WORTH IT.

I left him. where I left my heart. 

me: Bye H. This has to be done. I'm sorry I hurt you.

💔💔💔

Before I know it voices fill up my head. 

You destroyed him. 

You destroyed his life. 

You're just selfish. 

You deserve nothing. NOTHING. YOU SHOULD JUST KILL YOURSELF. THAT WILL MAKE IT EASY FOR EVERYONE. 

I run to the bathroom and get the blades. I press it against my skin and breathe. 

DO IT. YOU'RE NOTHING. YOU DON'T MATTER. 

I take another breathe and throw the blade. I won't, I won't give in. Not again. I run to the freezer and get some ice. 

I place one over my wrist and press it down. I see the tiny droplets forming on it's sides. Finally, my skin starts burning. Then it becomes numb, and the burn deepens to the inside. I watch as the ice melts. After it completely disappears I scratch my wrist, trying to check if my wrist is still numb. I scratch harder when I don't feel anything. I see bumps forming, from my scratches as the sensations return.