How To Get a Boyfriend 101

5 : Thursday

Step Five: If you're a shy or quiet person, don't try to be loud for him! If you speak quietly, he'll have to lean in to hear what you're saying, which invites intimacy and more skinship!

....Or a wonderful opportunity in which you embarrass yourself, making a goofy impression on him!

I slouch back in my bed. I'm a pretty shy person, so I guess I could tone my voice down even more.

And yes, I did just say that I'm shy. Aside from the few reckless stunts I've pulled (going up to Jason and Russell, going up to Zoe and Amanda, doing orange justice in the cafeteria, and a few other things that I prefer not to mention for the sake of my dignity), I actually have a tough time being outgoing.

I'm not sure why that is, actually. Something in me? The way I was born? How I was raised—the fact that my mom, perhaps, left me in a dumpster (more or less)? Even after returning to her, I think a bit of trauma is justified.

So, anyway, I'm practically whispering to Jason in the auditorium today. We have an assembly about sex-ed and teen pregnancy prevention, and Jason seems really uninterested. I mean, like, same, but that's because I don't plan on getting intimate enough with a girl to get her pregnant. I do see the value of the assembly, though. Even though the Academy is known for being very liberal, they are particularly strict when it comes to co-ed sleepovers in the dorms. I am okay with that, but obviously I am not their target audience when it comes to teen pregnancy.

As one of the gym coaches speaks, I'm sitting in the aisle seat; next to me is Jason, then Russell, then Blake, then the BTFC lined up next to and around him.

"Felix," Jason whispers.

"Hmm?" I'm trying to make myself as quiet as possible.

It kind of backfires.

Jason leans in closer so he can hear me better, but he also whispers more quietly. I don't think my poor heart can handle the close proximity, but who cares about what my heart can and can't handle?

"Why are they talking about something we already know?" he asks. It's a valid point. We're seniors, so we've heard nearly a hundred speeches identical to the one that doctor so-and-so is drawling out right now.

Jason giggles at my bored expression, and I roll my eyes, certain that I'm a horribly humiliating shade of red. "I don't know; maybe it's because they think we are hormone-fed zombies?"

He makes a funny face, and next thing I know I'm in the principal's office with him.

It's actually kind of a blur. I suppose the funny face must have made me laugh, which would have attracted attention from Blake and Russell. They, in turn, would want to see the funny face, so Jason would do it. I'd try to replicate it. Russell would try to replicate it. Blake would try to replicate it. That, in turn, would cause the BTFC to try to replicate it. Which would not end well, and would cause a professor to handle the situation as if we were all twelve-year-olds.

And this, of course, is all speculation. I have no recollection of the current happenings, because I'm so detached from reality. It's something that happens during assemblies in which I zone out.

"You two are aware that teen pregnancy is a serious topic, right? And it's boys like you who end up paying the price for not listening."

I almost laugh.

No, I actually laugh.

Principal Smith looks at me like I've grown a second nose where my left eye used to be. "Is something funny?"

I want to say yes, and it's quite tempting to. I know that Misty Bay Academy is accepting of people with preferences like mine—heck, I've already come out a bunch of times. Just not to the principal, and not... holy cow manure with a side of guacamole and beans.

Not to Jason.

"I'm, uh... I'm not very interested in, uh, in that kind of, uh, relationship with... uh... I mean... at the, uh, at the moment."

Jason snorts. A single, beautiful (wait what) sound that reminds me of a cute little piglet that's happy (what is wrong with me?).

I will rephrase.

Jason snorts. A single, beautiful sound that reminds me of better times, of car rides in the rain, of boba tea in the city, of couch cuddles during a movie, and all sorts of aesthetic stuff. Jason's snort is aesthetic; there's no other way to phrase it.

Principal Smith's perpetually-red face looks at the two of us, unimpressed. I see the defeat in his empty, beady eyes when he dismisses us back to the auditorium.

"Did you see how he looked? Like a lobster!" Jason laughs. It's a nice sound, and I wish I could hear it more. Like his snorting.

I consciously speak more quietly than I would in other circumstances. "Hilarious," I giggle. He leans in, eyebrows furrowed.

I mean... I did giggle. That's cause enough for furrowed eyebrows.

"What?"

Success!

I clear my throat. "It was hilarious," I repeat, louder.

He nods, and we enter the auditorium.

I don't remember a single word spoken throughout the entire speech afterward.

Not that I was ever paying attention in the first place, of course.