A New Chance To Live

25

Warnings:
-Self harm (blood)
-Heartbreak

Clay's POV

I was so heartbroken that when I went home, I cried my eyes out. I didn't want to see anyone so I didn't even say hello and went up to my room. I had never gone through this much pain and grabbed my pillow to squeeze it tightly.

After squeezing it, I hid my face in it and started screaming as loudly as I could. I was completely ripped apart. Every time I loved someone they left me or I messed up. I didn't even get to surprise him.

I got angry when I saw Sapnap calling me for the second time. Out of a wave of madness, I threw my phone on the ground and started screaming again, hitting my pillow as hard as I could.

What did I do so wrong? Why did everyone leave me in these painful ways? Was I actually not able to be loved? Was I meant to get hurt again and again?

I couldn't deal with the pain anymore and stood up, hopelessly looking around me. My vision was blurry because of all the tears which made me even more angry.

Warning self harm/blood

I suddenly saw my old pocket knife and grabbed it. I was so incredibly sad that I pulled off my hoodie and sweats and didn't hesitate any longer.

I put the knife on my legs and started making cuts in them. I really didn't care about the pain, I needed the pain to calm down, continue on my arms. The cuts weren't extremely deep, but they bled a lot. Both my arms were red from all the blood and so were my legs.

I stared in front of me without any emotions and laid down on my bed, not caring that my sheets would be covered in blood. I seemed to be in a sort of shock and just looked at the floor while I held the knife tightly in my fist.

Warning over

I didn't cry anymore and just stared for minutes. I stared in front of me until my door opened and I looked up slowly to see Sapnap standing in front of me.

'Oh my gosh, Clay,' he muttered. He sat down on my bed and lifted me up, pulling me in for a really tight hug.

'It's okay, Clay. I'm here for you, you can cry. It's fine.'

He reached out to grab a few napkins from my desk and started dabbing it on my skin to try stop the bleeding.

I started sobbing again and Sapnap laid down next to me, pulling me close so I could rest my head on his hoodie. He reached out to grab my sweats and laid it down next to me for if I wanted to put it on.

I sniffed softly and felt a tear roll down my cheek on Sapnap's hoodie.

'What do I do wrong?' I whispered. 'Is it the way I look? Or my personality? Do I not give them enough love?'

'It's not you, Clay. It's them, I promise you.'

'I'm sorry for cutting myself, I'm so sad.'

'There's nothing to say sorry about. Can I check your wounds?'

I nodded slowly and Sapnap let go of me, inspecting them all.

'They're not too deep, luckily. You don't need stitches. Do you want your sweats? I can help you if you want.'

'Yes,' I whispered. Sapnap helped me pull them on and I hugged him tightly again.

'I need you. I'm so heartbroken, Sapnap. He was such a sweet boy and he was the most gorgeous boy I have ever seen...'

'Did he break contact with you?'

'Y-yes,' I sobbed. 'He didn't want to listen to me when I wanted to explain everything. He also didn't want to hear my surprise because he said it was probably stupid. He was so mean to me, Sapnap. It hurt me so much.'

'What did he say?'

'He doesn't understand why he ever cared about me, he finds me annoying and- he called me a hopeless and horny guy.'

'Why did he call you that?'

'I don't even know why... he just randomly called me hopeless and then the other thing.'

'Clay, he's mad. You need to give him some time and if he doesn't let you speak, he's not worth it.'

'But I love him so much.'

'Calm down,' Sapnap said as he ran his hand through my hair. 'Do you want me to talk to him? I won't do it today because he needs to calm down a little bit first.'

'Thank you,' I whispered.

'Are you hurt?' Sapnap asked me as he pointed at my arms and legs.

'Yes,' I mumbled. 'But I need physical pain to survive this pain inside.'

Sapnap held me tightly for another twenty minutes. I constantly cried softly while Sapnap talked to me. He tried to tell me that it was actually not my fault, but I found it really hard to believe.

'I hope he will come back to me, Sapnap. I love him so much and I really want to be friends with him again. He thinks I used him for sex and I feel so insecure about my sexuality. What if you think I'm just here because I'm in love.'

'I don't think that. You're bisexual, but not in love with every guy. Literally Clay, I'd be able to kiss you without getting uncomfortable and still be straight. I love you and I'm so chill around you, even though you're bi.'

'Will he come back to me? I miss his sweet smile so much. Would he be okay? I'm still going to give him my surprise a little bit later. At least I can save his life.'

'If he truly loves you, he won't let you go that easily.'

'Really? Do you think he actually loved me?'

'He seemed to love you a lot.'

I lifted myself up and looked at him with a small smile. 'Really? Do you think he can come back? I love him so much, I want to spend the rest of my life with you and him if I get the chance to.'

'Don't lose hope,' Sapnap replied with a smile. 'And I won't leave anyway.'

I sat up and excitedly smiled. 'Is there a chance he's going to come back to me? I would be so happy.'

'I'm going to talk to him soon, okay?'

I nodded and Sapnap gave me another hug. 'I love you, dude. I'll always love you.'

'I love you too,' I said. 'Thanks for being the best friend I could have ever wished for.'

1082 words

Summary:
Clay is so heartbroken and upset that he self harms. Sapnap saves the day