A New Chance To Live

32

Warnings:
-Self harm/blood

Clay's POV

I went home after I spent the rest of the day with George and immediately called Sapnap. He accepted the call and I made a squealing sound because of happiness.

'Sapnap, we are friends again!' I yelled out as I jumped into my bed to lay down. 'I'm so happy.'

'Really? What happened?'

'He came to my place today and walked in on me self harming which made him realise the videos were old. Then I surprised him and his family and he hugged after that.'

I heard Sapnap laugh softly. 'I'm so happy for you, dude. It was really hard to see you this sad.'

I couldn't stop smiling. 'Sapnap, he even said that he doesn't care about my sexuality! I'm so happy that I want to cry.'

'Aww, I'm so glad you're on good terms again.'

'I'm so happy, Sap. I'm sorry if I bother you with this, but I just really want to talk about it.'

'Do you want me to come over?'

'Do you want to? I would like to hang out with you for a bit.'

'I'll ask my dad if he wants to bring me. Maybe he baked a cake again, I'll bring a piece if he did.'

'Okay,' I said with a smile on my face.

Sapnap hung up and a sudden sad and overwhelming feeling came up. Not only was I still hurt by my past, but I got really frustrated with myself when I still wanted to self harm again.

I lifted my sleeves and stared at my arms with tears in my eyes. Did self harm actually become my addiction?

Warning self harm/blood

I sighed softly and couldn't resist myself how badly I wanted to stop the self harm. I grabbed my knife and pressed it on my skin, pulling it to my body. It caused a deep cut again and I smiled shortly. It felt so relieved when I cut myself even though I was happier now.

After a minute, my wrist was covered in cuts and I started with the other side of my wrist. A small stream of blood started dripping down on my desk and I grabbed some napkins to lay down.

I continued cutting myself for minutes and then laid my knife down, sitting on my bed as I held multiple napkins on the bleeding wounds.

Warning over

I sat like this for a while, noticing the bleeding hadn't stopped after minutes. I wanted to go to the bathroom and my mother suddenly yelled.

'Clay! Sapnap is here.'

'Oh, coming,' I muttered. I didn't think clearly and threw the napkins on my desk as I pulled my sleeves down. I walked downstairs and smiled shortly at Sapnap. He frowned a little as I got dizzy and sat down. He didn't say anything and sat down next to me on the couch.

'My dad baked a vanilla cake,' he said with a smile, handing me a piece of it.

I smiled and grabbed it. 'Thank your dad.'

While I grabbed it, I saw Sapnap's eyes going down to my wrist. I immediately pulled my hand back and lifted my sleeves with a small cough.

'Can we go upstairs? I want to talk to you,' Sapnap said.

I nodded slowly and stood up with my cake to walk upstairs. Sapnap went in first and stood still as he looked at my desk.

'Clay, did you cut again?'

'Uh- that's uh- from this morning.'

'I don't like it when you lie to me,' Sapnap muttered.

'I'm sorry,' I whispered. 'Fine, I did cut.'

'But why? Did you lie about being happy?'

'No, I am happy.'

'But why did you cut then?'

'I'm addicted,' I mumbled. 'I know it might sound dumb, but I'm addicted to self harm.'

'It's not dumb, a lot of people struggle with it. Can you please seek help? I'm not going to tell you to stop, but I will tell you that it's not going to make you happier. You are the only one who can stop it.'

'I find it hard to see a reason to stop. Can you just be honest and make me realise?'

'I just know you're going to regret this. You're going to see the scars on your arms in five years and wish you would have never had them. I don't want to sound harsh, I'm not continuing.'

'No, please. You can be harsh, I want to realise how others feel.'

Sapnap stared at his hands. 'It hurts me. It hurts me so much to see you cut your own skin. I don't want to sound selfish so I've never told you this, but it just hurts me so much to see my best friend cut himself.'

I stared at my hands. 'I'm sorry.'

'No, I don't want you to say sorry. It's not your fault and I don't want you to think that it's anything close to your fault. You're asking me to tell how others feel and this is how I feel. I want to see you happy and healthy, but even if you would do this for the rest of your life, I'd never leave you alone.'

'I'm so sorry for hurting you.'

'Don't say sorry, it's way worse for yourself, Clay.'

'I think it's hard to quit, but I want to try at least.'

Sapnap smiled. 'I'm proud of you. Can I see your arms? I want to make sure it's not too deep.'

I nodded and pulled off my hoodie, leaving me in my shirt. He looked at my wounds and stood up to go to the bathroom. He came back with bandages and wrapped it around my arms, laying down on my bed. He pulled me closer and smiled.

'Now, tell me those stories.'

I immediately giggled shyly. I started telling him about George and he smiled since I got so excited.

'Do you also actually not care about my sexuality?' I asked him with a big smile on my face.

'I don't care at all,' Sapnap replied. 'Those toxic idiots are in the past and everything will be better from now on. George will get his medication and surgery once he's eighteen and you finally found someone next to me who loves you for who you are.'

I smiled and sighed. 'Thank you. I promise you I'll try to quit self harming too.'

'I'm really proud of you.'

1072 words