Pocket Full Of Proses.

Chapter 2 : The Internet

Chapter 2 : The Internet

The Internet is a blessing and a curse. I wonder how many fascinating things there are in this world I'll never get to explore physically but can online. I am a strange person who gets along with everyone but not many get along with me. I am a curious person by nature and once I get interested in something, I dive deep into it, resulting in me knowing a lot of things about a lot of things because of which I find at least two shared interests with about everyone, if not everyone, I come across. They don't get along with me though because apparently not many people my age are interested in my primary interest: philosophy. Thanks to the internet, I found people with the same interests as myself.

One of them is Beatrice and she's from Switzerland, the other one is Maira and she's from Ahmedabad. We met in a group chat on instagram and eventually became good friends. Being a strange introverted person, I do not open up to many, I cannot. I never thought I'd have a soulmate until I found Maira. She is a fun loving person who is not very judgmental like most people my age that I come across. She is one of the only two people I am comfortable being myself with. But she is quite the opposite of me and not very philosophical; it is very rare to have deep, personal conversations with her, something I crave deeply and need more than want every once in a while. This need is fulfilled by Beatrice -the second person I'm completely comfortable with- who, on many levels, is exactly like me. She is the type of person I can text at any moment and have a very personal conversation with despite being in very different time zones.

A few weeks ago, instead of texting like we usually do, we decided to talk. It was decided after me and Maira called; it was after a long time. As always, we were talking about random things and started talking about wanting to be on a group call with Beatrice and Rin (another group member). We finally scheduled the call after a lot of difficulty. Taking into account the previous incidents, I tried not to get my hopes up but surprisingly we ended up really doing it. It was very awkward at first and there was a lot of awkward silence throughout the call. I was also surprised by Beatrice's voice, it sounded different from what I expected. I somehow started the conversation, eventually Beatrice tried to keep it afloat with me. The conversation picked up pace soon and things got less awkward. I spoke in English that day, something I do rarely, and surprisingly felt comfortable doing so; I felt no pressure to be perfect, I felt very relaxed since none of them know me in person. The two of us talked about general things and it felt very good. It was then when I found out, she is like me in a lot of ways, we share the same thoughts. She too thinks about us meeting in real life and going on museum tours together, hopefully we get the opportunity some day, fingers crossed. Turns out I am not as unique as I thought I am. Another example is when we discussed the concepts of heaven and hell.

The idea of heaven scares me. A place without any problems sounds boring as hell and ironically I think hell would be more interesting. Yes, you get to heaven, what now? What do you do? You're just stuck in a perfect place forever? Where's the fun? You'll eventually stop appreciating happiness and peace because nothing finite is precious. Like her, I too have accepted the fact that we'll just have to wait for death to see if they really exist. I was surprised when I found out we share these ideas. We're not so different, she and I.

It sounds hard to believe when people say heaven and hell really exist but just like many people, I too hope they do, because that way, people will get the deserved justice. You see, many times on earth, people die unfairly and never get justice, people just vaguely hope god will take care of it all without considering the possibility that maybe god doesn't even exist.

The downside is that heaven and hell are two sides of the same coin. Heaven cannot exist without hell. Sometimes I think the existence of these places will put us earthlings in danger because what if demons and ghosts find the way or get summoned to the earth, people already try. But perhaps it won't be so scary, humans are probably worse after all. Another question is what if 'bad' people get into heaven and 'good' people end up in hell. This comes from personal observations here on earth. Bad people live their lives comfortably whereas good people suffer. Princess Diana, the Queen of Hearts, contributed positively to the world to the best of her ability but look how she left for heaven, abruptly and in pain. On the other hand, Josef Mengele, the person who conducted the Twin Experiments during the Holocaust, lived a relatively happy and peaceful life. How is any of this fair?

I also wonder how much I miss out on while I'm imprisoned in the cell-phone. My internet pack ran out the other day so I picked up pen and paper and drew my heart out; I created what I personally consider a masterpiece.

On another occasion, I sat outside in my backyard all day. Spring, this time of the year fascinates me, things rarely do anymore. Turns out nature is just like me, contradicting and repetitive. Outside, the breeze was warm but not too warm, cold but not too cold; there was a perfect balance, how could there be? Outside, the cycle of life and death was beautifully brought together by the shower of dead leaves and growth of new ones, together, on the same tree.

There is art everywhere if you're willing to see it. The scene outside was beautiful, there was color! There were shades of green, shades of blue, yellows and browns and the best is yet to come, the flowers hadn't blossomed yet. There was music. The birds and the wind sang together in perfect harmony. There was even a sweet scent in the air, thank mango flowers. The excess of yellow almost felt unreal.

This time of the year holds many memories. This time of the year excited me greatly. This was the time of freshness and new growth. This was the time of a new session of school, this was the time of Holi and most importantly, this was the time of mangoes and ice creams. There was an excitement that used to fill me up entirely. I excitedly anticipated for my then favorite festival: Holi; I anticipated for new books, new lessons, new memories and summer holidays. My friends and I loved this time of the year when it's neither too hot nor too cold and we could play outside all day long. Back then who knew we'd be torn apart unexpectedly, we were young and naive. Now if I look at us, I don't recognize us anymore. We don't look young, we don't look fresh, it's the opposite now really, we look old and depressed.

I reckon I never appreciated this time of the year so much. As a young child, I was too busy making memories without knowing it. When puberty hit me, I was too busy trying to figure out what just happened. Then one day life stopped! People were now locked inside their homes, people now had to wear physical masks too. It's then people opened their eyes, it's then they heard the voices that had been there all along but went unnoticed, it's then they smelled life rotting, it's then they tasted how insipid life had gotten, it's then people felt chills. It's then I too had my sense reawakened. I now saw what I'm surprised I never did. I now saw how beautiful life really is. I now appreciate this time of the year, finally.

How beautiful everything is. There is art everywhere if you're willing to see it. In the order and in the chaos, in the ups and in the downs, in the smiles and in the frowns, there's beauty everywhere if you're willing to see it. This day taught me the lesson that sometimes it's good to let go. Don't dwell on the past good memories, just try and let go. The present is beautiful too, give it a chance and allow it to glow.

There's so much to see, yet I always have my eyes glued to my cell phone, looking at edited, altered realities, wishing I too was perfect, the definition has changed so much. When did this happen? How did we end up like this?
______________________________________

Image creds @misscreative_riya (instagram)