I Hate You But I Love You More

Chapter 38

I am completely losing my mind. The uncertainty is driving me insane. I don't want to start crying just yet but it's very hard to keep it together. I don't even want to think of the what ifs.

I pace the hospital halls just outside Darson's room. My heart is literally beating so fast that I myself may end up in a hospital room due to cardiac arrest. I can't afford for that to happen now. I have to be here for Darson. I have to hear his good news.

I feel like every second that passes by without hearing any updates, I die a little inside. How can this happen? Why is this happening? I run a shaky hand through my hair. The headache starts and I barely pay attention to the pounding in my head. Gosh, it hurts but I can't pay it any attention yet.

It's about ten minutes later that a bunch of doctors exit. One stays and the other two and a nurse leave. His face is serious as he approaches me except for the little smirk that plays on his lips. He stops in front of me. "I'm sorry ma'am." I think my heart stops beating. "We did everything we can but he didn't make it." I am staring at him. Did I hear him correctly? He assesses my silence with curiosity?

I finally shake my head. "No." I don't believe it. I can't believe it. I won't believe it. "No, he-" The water surfaces my eyes quickly and I try to keep my shit together. I press a hand over my heart. It hurts so much. Khara, just breathe.

The doctor is still standing there. Khara, keep it together. I'm losing my mind. It hurts so much. I don't believe it. I don't want to believe it. We were just talking this morning. He was so happy. He's not gone. The sobs are rising in my chest and there is that point where I couldn't hold it in anymore. It finally comes out and when it does, it is loud enough to draw multiple attention.

I try controlling my sobs but it is just too much. Darson and I have only recently started. Why is it over? I'm hurting so much. Physically and emotionally. I feel like I'm slowly dying on the inside and I can't stop it.

I grip my chest and sink to the floor. My knees couldn't support me anymore. I am too weak to do anything but cry. I hate that everyone is looking at me as I literally bawl my eyes out on the hospital floor but it's not like I can just command myself to stop. I'm hurting and although I'd rather scream my lungs out, this is still a hospital. I'm doing my best by trying to muffle my sobs.

One of the doctors that worked on Darson earlier gives me a weird look as though confuse. Why is he giving me that look? I'm sure he sees it everyday. The doctor that broke the news to me is still standing there observing me but I can't even think about how bothersome it is for I am literally in pieces right now.

After five minutes of completely crying my eyes out, my sobs are not as loud anymore. They're quiet and I can feel that my eyes are swollen. I feel miserable.

Bella's name flashes across my phone screen and I shakily answer it and bring it to my ears. "Omg, Khara, I heard about the shooting. Is he okay?" The tears come faster again. "Khara?" I'm afraid to speak because I may end up bawling my throat out again. It's just that it hurts so much. "Oh no, Khara." My sobs are audible again. Very low but audible.

"I don't know how to fix this." I say into the phone. "I feel like I'm breaking into a million pieces and nothing can fix me." She too is crying. I can tell she's trying to keep it quiet but I still hear it. "How do people move on from this? I'm dying on the inside." I quietly sob. "Bella, it hurts. I don't know how to make it stop." My hand presses into my chest. "I love him so much."

"Khara, I'm so sorry." Her own sobs fill the phone and it doesn't help my similar crisis. If she's going to cry then obviously I'll cry too. "I'm going to book a flight, okay? The first flight. You'll get through this." How? I want to ask but I just remain quiet until she says she's hanging up and to stay strong. I don't even feel like trying to be strong.