Chapter 34: I am so Lonely

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Namjoon was looking out from his balcony.The view had changed.It was the beginning of Summer.

The leaves were scattered  on the ground and the trees looked like skeletons.Soon the new leaves will come again.

He dont find this view fascinating...why would Jin always look at it.He snorted.Jin was always out here and he had to drag him back in the room because he was chattering but still wanted to stay there out in cold.

Namjoon noticed a drop on his hand and he looked up .Its not raining...He sighed.Its his tears..They wont stop...He tried but they keep coming back.

He continued to look at the frontyard. Yoonmi was running after a butterfly but Iseul was just sitting there.He is big now...bigger than when Jin had brought him.

He is quite now..he doesn't get excited when he sees the woolen ball of Yoonmi's ...he doesn't yip everytime Jimin tries to bath him.He complies to everything  now...He doesn't eat much but Taehyung had somehow found a way and now Iseul only eats when Taehyung feeds him.

"You lied Jin.You said you will come back...then why are you not here? With me ?"

Namjoon broke down.He hadn't broke down in months now .He was holding on for so long...but he cant anymore.

"I miss you so much ..Jin...its lonely here without you..."

He was fiddling with Jin's ring that he was wearing on his chain.That was the only thing that connected him to Jin.

"Jimin doesn't smile at all.Yoongi is not home much now.Taehyung always try to smile for me but I know he is holding on just like me .Jackson went back you know...they called him on a case...he wanted to stay but then I told him it was okay.Its not okay Jin.No one is okay ,even Mrs.Kim doesn't taunt me anymore...she just looks sadly at me...they all keep looking at me with sad eyes..like they expect me to broke down every minute in the day..

Jungkook is never in the cafe now...he cant stand it you know...you were supposed to be there now.But I meet him every day.And he doesn't  hold it like me .He cries and cries and then he stops.Hoseok is a tough cookie ..that stupid cousin of yours...he had buried himself in work and cases now.And when I see him he doesn't say anything blunt .He never blames me and that hurts .He should blame me shouldn't he ? Why is no one blaming me ? I was there.I should have protected you.You shouldn't have got shot.I should have been careful...how did I miss the gun?It should have been me...Jin...why did you do it ? "

Namjoon sat down on the floor of the balcony resting his head on the wall.He had taken out his chain now and he was gripping it tightly in his hands.

The tape record began to play as usual in his mind .Same last scenes  he had spent with Jin before he left .

Kim Namjoon dont you dare go out and hang out in jeeps that blast out of nowhere

Kim Namjoon  you better stop right there .Dont judge my eating

Why are you not hugging me ...I am cold

That means that I love you so much and I cant live without  you

I prefer to be your husband ..but yeah ..a real fiance...with real rings...I want rose gold band...

I will come back Joon...you will save me like you always do ...I love you so much

Dont miss me much namjoon

"But I miss you so much.Come back.I dont even go on any jeeps now .I dont snore in sleep now.I can make the perfect cinnamon rolls .I will buy you that ring.Real one..rose gold...please Jin come back"

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