Random Book 2!

massive vent (lots of TW's) (ignore if not close to me please)

{TW(s); sexual harassment, talking about pr!v@te p_rts, bullying, talk about trauma, talking about body weight, su!ci!dal thoughts, what not at this point, uncensored talking :P}

I beg you, if you're not close to me, don't look at this.

Okay, I think it's beyond reasonable to say:

I want to d I e

like no, kill me, actually, ill just kms.

like I feel so uncomfortable in fitted clothing, ex: pants, pants, not big shirts, pants (jeans are lovely, their amazing. If they're high waisted that is..)

..mostly cuz of my mom, grandma, whatever, you probably already know that

like

massive massive MASSIVE TW here,

but they literally forced me to show them my lower privates

like

to rub oil there

even if I didn't want to in the first place, like I would whine about it and go somewhere else to avoid it and only now I realise how bad that was.

thing is, I'm still not allowed to wash my own hair, so I uh.. am forced to show my body to mom so she can wash my hair

I wasn't even allowed to rub oil on my body MYSELF until like.. last year.. sometime last year..

u know what, I feel so embarrassed and uncomfy talking about this, but I wanna get it off my chest.

school and my mom is my main cause of bad mental health.

cause like, she legit comforts me when I break down, and slowly explains and rubs it in that everything is my fault, and I believe her.. why wouldn't I, she's my mom, she's my light, what else would she be?

..right?

I'm too emotionally.. bonded with her to do anything about anything.. it's almost as if I'm litteraly forced to love her, and it worked..!

I told her about my bullying, and the exact words she told me will always haunt me and ring in my ears forever.

"It's your fault your so naive."

yeah, it is my fault, everything is my fault isn't it.

I should die, right?

that's what you WANT, right?

then fine, but not anytime soon.

maybe when I decide to leave wattpad behind so no one stops me, cause I have one person I love more than life, and she wants me to stay, so I stay

honestly I WANT to be disowned, to be ripped away from my mother, I don't care how much I cry and beg not too, its better for me In the long run I feel.. I'll realise it..

I know I'm oversharing, but I just can't help it..

I also don't like eating in front of people..

you know why?

I went to a party.

simple.

well, I was eating seconds, and a girl literally shouted out 'EW SHE'S EATING SO MUCH HELP ME-' and I just, awkwardly kept the plate of food down and well, hid for as much as I could.

so now I'm really really awful about my weight, and my body

like

I have literally denied food for days on end sometimes

always ended up crying and weak, but still.. kinda worth it

kind of

also you know what, I used to be so vulnerable to bullying that I legit bowed down to people sometimes when I was in 1st grade that I felt were 'worth more' and 'higher' than me.

today I probably wouldn't do that

I would instead threaten people, and sit in my corner, all peaceful and irritated yet happy

ah yes, I was bullied for being happy.

'too smiley'

'your smile looks ugly..'

'your happiness is freaky!'

all in 2nd-4th grade, so that really took a heavy toll on me, and I never tell anyone IRL about those times. WHY WOULD I?

also, I forced myself to have a birthday party most of the times, and ALWAYS ended up sick (literally), crying, or irritated and tired.

genuinely becoming and introvert at this point, cuz whenever someone comes over, Im always hiding in my room..

I hate social interaction

I feel guilty when I vent yet I want to do it so much

I hate touch yet I love it

..what's wrong with me?