Let It Be

Chapter 1

When I was eighteen, my deepest darkest secret was this: I wanted to be normal.

Life could change. I knew it could. And I was going to make it happen.

Otherwise, I didn't know what would happen to me.

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It had been an entire two weeks since I had started attending high school in the town of Hartford, California, and I have to admit, I was pretty much hating life.

Usually, I'm a relatively optimistic person. Unassuming maybe, but I usually looked for the silver lining in the dark clouds. But just then, on that particular Tuesday morning, it simply wasn't coming naturally.

I had a lot I was dealing with, what with my move and everything, and I needed to be annoyed with something. And that something was the fact that transferring high schools a month into the semester really sucks.

In high school, the first month is critical; it sets the mood for the rest of the year. And I had missed it. Classes had been decided, precedents made, groups and cliques settling into finality. Plus it was senior year. No one wants to pick up the new girl for their group when they're making their last high school memories.

I knew that I was much better there in Hartford, but right then the thought was only slightly comforting as I stared blankly around the cafeteria during lunch period.

Hartford High School was so small. Every teenager in Hartford was there in the cafeteria, but it was still tiny. Back home in Sacramento, my high school had thousands of students, and there were a ton of high schools in our district. During my three years there, I was constantly seeing new faces, people that had been in my grade since kindergarten that I had never even seen before.

Okay, not kindergarten. I didn't go to kindergarten. My mom forgot to sign me up, and I only started school when she finally realized that's were all the other kids disappeared during the day. I was seven. That's why I was eighteen and a senior, they set me back a year for my age, hoping I'd catch up. And I did.

But people disappeared quickly in the crowd back in Sacramento. I was thankful for that. Slipping into the massive population was so easy, and I was only too happy to make myself invisible.

Not anymore. I'd come to Hartford to start new. I was going to make an effort.

I knew how to pretend. I had always hated attention, so I learned young how to play pretend and make myself disappear. I was starting to vanish in Hartford, too, and I was furious with myself. I wanted things to change, didn't I? I didn't have to be afraid anymore.

But here I was, about to sink into the massive crowd, make some acquaintances who I'd only have a thin relationship with, only enough so that I wouldn't ever have to sit alone, and disappear in plain sight. Some habits die hard. Especially when you're afraid to change.

But somewhere amidst the depression my optimistic roots came out: life can change. If you want it bad enough, you can make any situation a good one. It's all about outlook and perspective. At least that was what Tamera kept pounding into my head.

And I understood. And I was determined to make something of myself. There was still a flame inside of me, a dim one, but I was going to make it shine bright and reach my full potential. I knew I was a good person, and I was going to strive to be that person again. It'd just sort of fizzled out the last few years.

My goals: I was going to make good friends again. I was going to join the volleyball team and finally get back into my favorite sport. I was going to be the best babysitter I could be to the little boys I watched after school.