I'm Still Here

Ch. 21

"I feel...weird..." I studied my hands, arms, and legs. Something wasn't right.

"What kind of weird?" Sera asked me.

"I'm not sure. I feel really light and almost like my limbs don't belong to me anymore." I kept lifting and lowering my arms slowly feeling the weight - or lack thereof - in them.

At first I thought it was just some next stage in this inbetween thing, but a horrible realization washed over me. What if I was about to die? Is this how Maryann felt before it was time for her to move on? I'm not ready to die. There's so much I still want to do and see in the world. Most pressingly though I needed to confront Grant and Belle.

"Is this it? Am I dying?" I said with unshed tears welling up in my eyes.

Sera laughed, "I haven't been given any information to prepare you to move onto heaven so I highly doubt you're dying."

"Then why do I feel so weird?" I turned my hand in front of my face, palm facing in and out over and over again. I thought I saw a shimmer like when Maryann moved on.

"Let me check something. I'll be right back."

In the blink of an eye, Sera was gone.

"Sera?"

I looked around the room. Did she just vanish? Magic herself away?

Before I could call her name again, she reappeared. "Just what I thought."

"What? I'm dying aren't I?"

A vision of Grant and Belle at my wake, standing over my coffin wearing all black came to mind. They would both be crying. Belle would be wearing a black hat with the netting that covers your face in the most chic way possible. Everyone would feel sorry for my boyfriend and best friend thinking that at 18 they were too young to know such a tragedy. The only thing slightly buoying me right now was my promise to haunt them if I died.

"You're not dying so stop imagining your funeral," Sera said, rolling her eyes. "Your body is preparing to wake up."

I stood in shock and disbelief. I stared at Sera for ages. I couldn't believe it. I was actually going to wake up?

When I could finally move, I clapped my hands over my mouth and started crying. "Is this for real?"

"Yes! You're going back to the land of the living for real," Sera clapped her hands together and had a huge grin on her face.

"Oh my gosh, there's so much I can't wait to do when I wake up. First, I need to tell Grant and Belle off. But a very close second is that I need to have a cheeseburger. Like, stat. And then of course I need to see my parents and brother. And Hudson. I need to tell him how I feel and hope I don't freak him out." I started pacing around the room thinking about everything I wanted to do as soon as I was awake and could leave the hospital.

Sera looked amused and followed me around the room with her eyes. I stopped my pacing and looked at her. She looked genuinely happy for me and I realized we had become good friends during this time. She was basically the only one I could talk to. She knows everything about me.

"Will I ever see you again?"

I had been looking forward to the day that I would wake up for so long that I never even thought about how I'd be leaving Sera behind. How would I survive without her in my life? How can I go from being with her 24/7 for weeks to never seeing her again?

"Probably not. I'm here at the hospital and you won't be. And I hope you don't end up here again!"

Part of me didn't want to wake up and go back to the real world. I didn't want to leave Sera forever. She was part of my life now and it felt weird and devastating to think that I'd never see her again. It's not like a friend that moves away and you can make plans to visit or Facetime or text. I don't think there's an angel video chat app.

Sensing my mixed feelings and some sadness on my part, she nudged my arm with her shoulder as she sat next to me. "Hey, this is a good thing. You want to be back to normal, right? You couldn't stay in the in-between forever."

I wiped away a stray tear, "I know. But I can't imagine life without you now." I sniffled and felt a shiver go down my spine.

"I'll always be part of you. You won't get rid of me that easy," she chuckled and put an arm around me.

"We won't get to talk though," I looked at her, feeling the tears starting to well up again. I blinked a few times to try to stop myself from crying and my wet eyelashes blurred my vision more.

Sera sighed, "I won't lie, it's not gonna be the same. But...I think, if you really need to talk to me, you'll know in your heart what I would say."

I nodded tearfully. I had a feeling she was right. She would always be part of me and all around really.

"And who knows, maybe one day a long, long time from now when you're an old lady with wrinkly skin and I still look young and beautiful we'll see each other again," she said with a wink to make me laugh.

"Hey, I haven't asked you in a while, do you think I'll be your last in between spirit? I know you've been wanting to move on to a new gig."

"I'm not sure. I haven't been given any updates. The last I heard they were seriously considering letting me move on to a new role, but I don't know. Being here, doing this," she waved her arm around the room, "is what I know. As much as I want to get out of the hospital, I can't help but wonder if I'm being dumb and wanting to do something that won't work out."

"Seraphina, you've been doing this job for over 200 years. I think you've earned the opportunity to leave the hospital and try something new. New things are scary, but I know you'll do great. And you've got like hundreds of years to perfect your next role," I laughed.

"That's true. But, this is all premature. I don't even know if I've got a new job yet. I might be here for another 50, 100 years!"

"Will you find a way to give me a sign to let me know?"

There had to be some way for us to communicate even if it was some random breeze or something. I'm not looking for some written message or seance type thing or something.

"I think I can make that happen," she said with a smile.

I looked over at my comatose body and noticed my finger twitch. I could be awake in a matter of hours or days. No one could say for certain, but what was for sure was that I was waking up. I had been so wrapped up in the feelings of anger and betrayal and wanting to scream at Grant and Belle, telling them I knew all about their dirty secret, that I didn't really think about how I was going to do all that. I hope I don't chicken out and really do confront them, but it's easier said than done.

"I'll remember everything when I wake up right? I'm not going to wake up and completely forget everything that happened and end up going back to my relationship and friendships, thinking everything is a-okay?"

"Um, well it happens to some people, but I think that's more of a mental block than anything. I think people do it to themselves, because they don't want to remember. But, if you want to remember I don't see it being an issue."

"Okay, because I cannot go back to looking like a fool."

"You're not a fool. They did a good job of hiding it from you. But now you know and you're not going to take that shit anymore cause you're a badass who deserves better," Sera said to hype me up. "And you're going to tell Hudson how you feel and you're going to kiss him and live happily ever after," she joked.

"Ha, if he feels the same way." I felt butterflies going crazy in my stomach just thinking about it.

"Oh, he does. Trust me."

I got up and walked around the room. When I wake up it will be different. I brushed my fingertips against the bed curtains. Who knew I'd ever miss these drab curtains? Or the sight of these hospital chairs? I glanced at the TV, with the volume on low, still on the Game Show Network. I think my mind is going to explode when I can watch more than 3 channels at home.

I felt some energy buzzing through me and I saw my eyelashes flutter.

"It'll be soon," Sera said, answering the question in my head.

I grabbed her hand, wanting to hold onto her for as long as possible, not ready for life after waking up just yet.