I'm Still Here

Ch. 26

"You've hardly touched your food," Grant pointed out.

I had been pushing around my salad for the past 15 minutes and took a few bites here and there. I didn't want to break up before dinner, because that would just make everything extremely awkward. I wasn't going to chicken out or back down this time. It was definitely happening tonight, but that doesn't mean I'm not nervous and that I don't feel like I'm going to throw up.

A few days ago I had thought that I would break up with Grant and then be free to pursue things with Hudson, but that doesn't seem like it's going to happen. So while this breakup has never been about Hudson, it has helped bring clarity to my mind in recent weeks. But this is all about me now. I'm doing this for me and only me.

"Yeah...so..." I pushed my takeout container away from me.

"We need to talk."

Grant chuckled nervously, "Uh oh that's never something you want to hear from your girlfriend. Did I screw up your salad order? Or miss an important anniversary or something?"

"I've been doing a lot of thinking and," I took a deep breath, "I think we should break up."

As soon as I said the words I felt a big weight lifted off my shoulders. The conversation that's about to follow may not be pleasant, but maybe Grant won't put up a fight and will just agree that we're better off as friends and we won't have to make this a whole thing.

"What?" He looked shocked. "Did I do something wrong? I don't understand where this is coming from."

Are you kidding me? You "don't understand where this is coming from"?

"It's just something I've been feeling for a little while. If you really think about it, I think you'll agree that we just don't go together well as a couple anymore. I think we're better off as friends."

Just say you agree with me so I don't have to bring up the whole cheating thing.

"You've been feeling this for a little while? Just last month you were talking about us living together in college and now all of a sudden you want to be 'just friends'? I don't get it, Caitlin."

Ugh, he's going to make this difficult.

Trying to maintain my composure and not flip a shit, I say calmly, "I realized I don't have the same feelings for you anymore."

"That makes no sense, Caitlin. One minute you're thinking of the future and want to live together and then the next you want to break up." Grant sounded exasperated. He got up and started pacing around the room.

I would feel a little bad about what seems like a sudden break up if I didn't know the truth. How dare he act like I'm the one screwing him over when he's the one who was cheating on me.

I had had enough.

I scoffed. "It shouldn't seem that sudden to you. I think on your end things have been over for a long time already."

"What are you talking about?"

Now I'm getting angry that he's still playing the innocent guy here.

"Grant, please, have enough respect for me to stop lying to my face."

His shoulder crumpled and the facade had finally dropped. As mad as I was about the whole situation, I was glad at that moment that it finally looked like he was going to own up to the truth.

"I'm sorry, Caitlin. You don't deserve any of this. How'd you find out?" He sank back into his chair, looking a little defeated but also like a huge weight had been lifted off him. I don't feel bad that he feels like shit, but I can understand that he feels lighter now that he's not holding in a huge secret anymore.