The Fake Soulmate [ 𝙏𝙓𝙏 𝙎𝙘𝙝𝙤𝙤𝙡 𝘼𝙐 ]

🖤 : Live In The Present Tense

Uuuuuuugh everything is so fucking exhaustiiiiiing.

Like shut up, teach'. I can very much complete at least 50% of my work if you stop interrupting. This is like the third- no. Fourth time you bust my bubble. Not cool. Shut the fuck up.

Okay. Now stay that way. Stay silent. Thank you. Yes. That's good.

God I hate when teachers "forgot to add something". I already was in a shit mood this morning and I don't think I need the history teacher to add up - especially on the first period.

Life really transformed into a mess since Kai left me. I can't concentrate. Everything angers me. My family, teachers, students, everything. Just the sight of him talking to Yeonjun at times. Since when are the popular guy and the theater kid friends? Am I really that much of a bad friend? What the hell did I do to deserve this?

Well, I do know, sort of. After running in gym class, Kai told me he had a lot of thoughts and ended up understanding Beomgyu's point of view. He said him and I needed to be apart. That's all I know. I don't know how long it's gonna last. I don't know if I'm supposed to take something from it. I don't know if I gotta be liking this. But I know I certainly don't.

Whenever I'm in a stage of confusion, I always start by hating it - until I realize what's actually going on. And I'll either not give a fuck or cry about it. The moment will come at some point.

I just gotta wait.

-

I always loved ramen.

Especially the one served at the cafeteria, which for some reason just has this taste... I can't describe it.

I tried to sit in a spot where I can't look at the others to calm me down. I'm just so angry, so fed up, so exhausted by everything... Maybe ramen is the only thing keeping me sane right now.

The texture. The taste. Heck, even the color. I never paid that much attention to food before. Unlike my expectations, it calms me down. But then I remember this thing people do to manage stress.

I can see the table I'm eating on.

I can smell the ramen and its beef flavor.

I can taste how spicy the ramen is on my lips.

I can hear the sounds of students talking around me.

I can feel the chopsticks I'm holding.

Wow, I definitely feel more calm and at ease... It makes it easier to jump back to the problem since I can see it from another perspective. Why am I so mad? Why does everything and everyone anger me? Is there really a reason?

I guess the core reason is Kai stopped wanting to be my friend all of a sudden. That's what's happening. And then I have this habit of getting frustrated over what I'm not in control of. After this, I either ignore the problem by coping or I cry alone in my corner.

But right now, I don't feel like crying. How can that be? How can I make it stay that way? Maybe... I gotta fix it. Somehow.

—

The bell rings earlier than expected. I get up and pick my stuff, following the students leaving the cafeteria. They all line up to walk through the door, and as this line takes shape, I see Kai and Yeonjun.

They're together, laughing together.

Why do I hate this sight? Why does it bother me? My hands getting colder, I feel my heart beating faster as an anger grows inside me like a volcano waiting to errupt. I can hear my breathing getting faster. It's just so irritating.

With tight fists, I walk towards Kai. Ohhh, and I know exactly what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna fucking arrive here, next to him and that Yeonjun guy, push him the shit out of my goddamn way so he can show me some respect and know how much of a motherfucking DICK HE IS.

All my anger gets to that point. My confident steps walk to his direction, without letting him out of my sight. He's about a meter close now. Less than a meter.

And... nothing happens.

I don't push him. Instead, I simply walk past and look somewhere else, standing in front of them in the line. My thoughts about pushing him? I ignored them. I just didn't push him. That's all I did.

That was close.

—

What an exhausting day... I really didn't need that pop quiz after lunch.

I walk lazily around the park now that I am finally walking back home. It's barely 8 o'clock and the sky was getting darker as I was riding the bus earlier. Now it's pitch black. It's... peaceful.

The pole lights are the only thing giving that sweet glow on the wet paths and fallen leaves. There's nearly nobody there, since the weather is so crap and it's so dark outside. But none of that crap is visible in the dark. As if it put the best details in value.

I then see a girl in the distance.

She's there, alone, sitting on a bench. She looks dazzling with her chic coat, black uniform skirt, long legs and heels. Her hair is done in a ponytail.

Once I pass by her, her eyes open wide. She gets up.
"'Scuse me, y'got the time?"
"Yeah," I reply, taking out my cell phone. "It's 8pm."

"Ugh thank god. My phone died. And I wanna get home at like nine."
"Oh. Are you in a risky situation?"
"Yeah. I need money for the bus."
"Do you want me to help?"

Her eyes are shining. It's like she's a contestant on a cooking show who realizes she's getting the grand prize. It's the moment I realize she really needs help.
"YOU'D DO THAT??"
"Sure."
"Ugh thank you, thank you so much..." she repeats in relief. "Asking money to strangers sucks."

I never really talked to a girl like this before. So, I keep repeating to myself that I'm only helping her, and that I don't need to get close.

"Ah, yeah you're right..."
"Can I ask the name of my savior~?" she says, clinging on me.
"I'm a student at Heonbon, my name is Kang Taehyun. And what's your name?"

"Choi Jisoo. But most of my friends call me Lia."

You can spend your time alone, redigesting past regrets, oh
Or you can come to terms and realize you're the only one who cannot forgive yourself, oh
It makes much more sense to live in the present tense

- Present Tense by Pearl Jam (1995)