The Sound of You **on hold**

Chapter 27

Adelaide

I spent Wednesday on my couch cuddling Stella. Brooks and Pauline rarely let me out of their site. My parents popped in to hug me and fuss over the fact that I gave them such a scare the night before.

I held it together when I was surrounded by people. But when got to finally be alone, I cried. A lot.

I cried about not knowing what Nathan had planned for us. Why was he at my show? Where did he get a gun? Why couldn't he leave me alone??? The memories flooded in that day, reminding me of all the hurt he caused and how long it took me to feel safe again.

I thought about how fucking ridiculous it is that he even had a firearm tucked into his waistband like a goddamned wangster. What an actual walking cliché.

Mostly I cried about how badly I fucked things up with Dawson. He thinks I've been dating around this whole time. Or that he was a side piece to my "current" relationship. And I couldn't bring myself to speak and tell him how untrue that was. It was like there was a set of hands around my neck, keeping me from breathing and speaking. They felt just like Nathan's hands.

The wounded look on Dawson's face when I couldn't speak broke my heart. I could see his own heart breaking in front of my eyes and I couldn't put the pieces of either of our hearts together.

I had no idea how to begin to explain what had happened that night. When he closed the door in my face, I sank to my knees and sobbed as quietly as I could until Pauline called to me from the car.

I hadn't given myself the opportunity to think about how much he means to me until I spent Wednesday sulking around my house. I had just been enjoying the moment, letting myself get to know him, and letting him get to know certain parts of me at a time. And so far, I love everything about him.

I thought about him all the time, waiting for the next chance to talk to him while he was away, dreaming of what was to come next time he'd be home for a week, occasionally letting my mind wander, thinking about all the things his hands could do to me. And he proved it as soon as he came home to me. The fact that he showed up on my step as soon as I was finished work, showed that my feelings were mutual.

And now I've fucked it up.

I let him slip through my fingers. If I was just honest with him, I could have told him about all my demons and let him into my heart. But instead, I built a cage around it, locked it, and threw away the key, not even knowing where to find it myself. He seemed really sure of himself when he told me he was done on Tuesday night. There's no way he wants to see my face again.

So naturally I was a grumpy bitch yesterday at work.

The first thing I did when I got to work was find the file from my incident on Tuesday night. I can see that Nathan's firearm was seized, and they did a search of his home for any more unregistered or illegal firearms that turned up nothing. Which was comforting. He's being charged with forcible confinement, but I don't see it going anywhere. The last thing I want to have to do is go to court. If I can get a simple no contact order and move on, that would be lovely.

At work, I've been hiding behind my monitors, ignoring any socializing that may have happened during any lulls yesterday. When others noticed I wasn't participating, I could feel them giving Pauline looks and trying to communicate silently with her. My Lou obviously gave them a signal to leave me be, because that's just what they did.

There's been no joking from me on the radio with the officers on duty. A lot of them know my voice by now, and they've tried to joke with me, but they gave up when it wasn't reciprocated.