How can I forget? | BILLIE EILISH

𝓝𝓲𝓷𝓮𝓽𝓮𝓮𝓷

Billie's Pov-

TRIGGERING SUBJECTS MENTIONED !!!

It's been weeks, maybe even months, since I've seen Jess. I stopped counting long ago, because it seemed to make things worse. I knew Jess was hurting and I knew she was doing what she thought was best, but I felt so alone. I felt like no one had my back. Of course, my family did, but Jess, the person I was in love with, wasn't there to have it.

If she had relapsed, I wouldn't have known because I wasn't "allowed" to see her. Every time I would suggest coming over to help clean or give her some sort of companionship, she would shut me down. 

It was hard at first; getting used to her being absent. Everything started feeling normal after a few weeks though. 

Waking up to no missed calls or unread messages from her. No explanations as to why she doesn't want to be around me or vice versa. I felt like I deserved something. 

Even a simple ":)" would have been fine. It wouldn't even have to be a smiley face either. Just something to tell me that she was alive. Something I didn't have to ask for. I felt like that's all I was doing. 

I was always asking her how she was and how things were. I was always asking her to talk to me, but hell, I had to beg for that. 

It's a shame that I had to do all of that. 

But Jess was struggling, and I had to acknowledge that. I felt so selfish whenever I would wish for things to go back to normal, but I missed it when we would talk and hangout for hours on end. 

Finneas and my parents started noticing how obsessed I was with Jess and told me I needed to dial everything back. Now, how they expected me to do that, I will never know, but they still said it.

Jess needed me, even when she would shut me out, she still needed me. I needed her too, but she was more important. Jess would always be more important. 

"Billie, you have got to start focusing on yourself. While you obsess over Jessica, you are losing yourself. I understand that you love her, and I understand that she is going through a lot, but you are just as important." My mom stated, shaking me from everything I was doing.

"You don't fuckin' understand, mom! She is the one thing I haven't fucked up in a long ass time, and I am not giving up on this right now," 

My mom walked closer to me, staring at my lifeless body. I will admit, yes, I stopped worrying about myself, but everyone else needed me. "I never said you had to give up on her, Billie, I was just saying you need to start taking better care of you and then you can help her." 

"Dude, no! I'm fine, Jess, however, is a "recovering" alcoholic who is possibly losing the child she's taken care of for years!"

"Billie, calm down, please. I am fully aware of everything Jessica is going through right now, but I am also very aware of how negative it is affecting you. You are my child, Billie, I have every right to worry about you," She huffed.

"Whatever," I mumbled. My mom rolled her eyes and walked away. I felt hopeless. What else was I supposed to do? Jess hated me, my mom was worried about me, as well as everyone else, and I was just tired.

Everything was starting to feel exhausting. I felt like living was just required rather than something I was "excited" about. 

I checked my phone as I usually did 90% of the day. I clicked on mine and Jess's messages to see her phone was on Do Not Disturb, but it had been like that for days. My message was left on read, which made my heart sink, and I wasn't really sure why. I knew she read it, but it just hit harder to see it again.

To: Jess my love<3

Me: I love you, J, text me when you can mi amour<3

I glared at my phone intently, quickly pressing the send button. Why did I have to cave in? Text her first, call her first. I was always reaching out to her, even though she was being painfully distant. 

If she needed space, she knew she could tell me, but she never did. The only time staying away was mentioned was when I asked about coming over. 

With that thought, and sad message, I got up and went to my car. 

She couldn't tell me no if I just showed up. It might've been invasive, but she was my girlfriend.

* * * * *

Once I arrived, I took a deep breath before entering in the large apartment complex. I took the elevator up to Jess's floor and hunted for her place. My heart was beating out of my chest because she was only a few feet away. I knocked on the door and felt like leaving but stayed. I heard noise on the other side of the door, causing me to move away from the peep hole. If she saw it was me, she would abort the mission, but if she was left curious, she would most likely open the door.

And, as I though, she opened the door.

"Hello?" Her raspy voice croaked. 

"I- Hey, Jess," I smiled cautiously. When her eyes met mine, there was a coldness that flushed through my veins. The color drained from Jess's face, and it was almost like her heart stopped. Not because she was excited to see me, but because I was the last person she wanted to see. "H- can I come in?"

"No," she said coldly, "We can talk another time, Billie, goodbye," Jess started creeping back into her home and started closing the door.

"Jess!" I shouted, throwing my hand at the door to stop it from closing completely, "Jess, you cannot keep doing this. I need you, okay? I crave you all day and it's killing me. I know you are struggling, and I know this has to be hard for you, but I miss my girlfriend. I miss when you would actually communicate with me," I exploded. 

"Oh," Jess stated blandly. My heart sunk deeper causing tears to fill the bottoms of my eyes. I forced myself into her pitiful apartment. 

"Oh, love," I sighed, gabbing ahold of her limp body. "I'm so sorry," 

"I-" she stuttered, drooping her head into my neck, "I'm sorry, Billie, I really am," she cried, "I tried so hard,"

She relapsed.

"Baby, it's okay, I know you did. I'm so proud of you, Jess." I reassured her, while rubbing her back. 

"P-please don't be mad, Billie. I wanted to- wanted to tell you, but every-everything got s-so hard," She wept. 

I knew Jess probably did try. She hated herself for months after she relapsed for the first time, but she was so hard on herself with everything. 

When I thought about visiting her, I didn't think I would've been reassuring her about her relapse. I thought we would hug everything out honestly, but we weren't that easy.

After hearing her tell her stutter and tear-filled story, I ran a bath for her. While she took her bath, I cleaned up her place and laid out a comfortable outfit. 

She was so tired, and I could read it all over her body and face. I didn't want Jess to overwork herself, so I helped her wash her hair and get dried off after. She hated not being able to do much, but all she needed was rest and some care. 

Once we finished getting her together, we both cozied up next to each other in her freshly made bed. 

It was later in the day, so the sunset was peeping through her curtains that I partially opened.

"Thank you, Billie," she said. I smiled and wrapped my arms around her body. 

"No need to thank me, love. I'm just taking care of my girl," I stated.

Within minutes Jess was asleep, and I felt like that was the best sleep she had gotten since everything has happened. I didn't sleep very well, though. I was always checking in on her, but as long as she was comfortable, so was I.