How can I forget? | BILLIE EILISH

𝓣𝔀𝓮𝓷𝓽𝔂

SONG: White Ferrari-Frank Ocean (I recommend playing this while you read<3)

Jess's Pov-

Billie stayed with me for a few weeks. She helped me get back on my feet and managed to convince me to go to rehab. I didn't want to go, but I feel like no addict does.

Now, that's just my mind, I'm not saying addicts don't want to get better, I'm just saying I don't want to face the fact that I actually have a problem.

It had been nearly five months since that happened, though. And man were those five months eventful.

To start, Adelaide went back to Lainey, and it killed me. She was supposed to be mine, not hers. I felt like I deserved Adelaide. Lainey didn't do anything to deserve her, but I did. I tried so hard for her, and she was just given away.

Little ways into the next month, Billie and I got into this huge gut-wrenching fight.

<A month earlier>

"You never do anything for me, Jess! I am fucking alone! You aren't my girlfriend anymore, you're just this- shell of a girl I knew," Billie shouted, "I just wanted you back!"

"God, Billie you're just blind, aren't you? You don't see that I am fucking trying?" I huffed. Billie's eyes filled with mounds of tears. My cheeks were flushed and burning hot, yet my hands were cold and sweaty.

"Is this really how you're gonna let this end, Jess? Aren't you better than that?"

"Oh, come on, Billie. Grow up- I have tried so hard for you- y-you cannot tell me I haven't done anything for you!"

Billie sort of collapsed on a chair in my kitchen, throwing her arms up and letting out a surrendering laugh. "Jess..." she started, "Why are you always so defensive when I tell you to give me some sort of affection?"

"Do you really think I don't try for you? Really, Bil, do you think that?"

"Well, am I wrong, Jess?"

"Yeah- Billie, you are," I scoffed. Billie rolled her eyes and shook her head back and forth.

"Please, then, please tell me when the last time it was that you tried for me,"

"Now. I am trying now, Billie. I am fucking in love you, and I am trying so hard to make this whole thing work. I don't give up on shit like this Billie. I know I have been a complete shit ball to you but look at what has happened!" I elaborated.

Billie stood from her chair and walked towards me. "I just feel so alone...and I deserve so much more than that Jess,"

No one understands just how important communication is until their relationship is hanging on by shitty threads. No one gets it until it's too late and everything has been shut off and thrown away. I know Billie needed me and I knew I was being absent, but I always tried to be okay for her.

"I am so sorry, Billie. You do know that I love you, correct? That'll never change my love, don't ever think it will,"

"Actions speak louder than words, Jess. They always will,"

And then she left. She walked out of the door faster than she came in, and it stung quite a bit, but we just needed to cool off.

<PRESENT TIME>

After we had our argument, she didn't text me, but I didn't expect her to.

I expect her to keep to herself. She knew where I was if she needed me.

Eventually, CPS gave me my rights to Adelaide back.

Billie and I worked through everything. We went on little private dates, we put our phones down, we were actually together.

Addy would come with us sometimes, but on the times she didn't, Maggie and Patrick offered to watch her.

Adelaide took to Patrick quickly, which was funny to me because she never really liked men. I didn't blame her. Men are ass sometimes. Hence the reason I am a lesbian-

My drinking stopped. I was an alcoholic and I accepted it, because if I didn't, there was no way I was going to become sober. I needed to accept and move on, and so I did.

I found other outlets such as music, painting, and art, and writing. I wrote books, and stories. Sometimes I did poems, and I would write the way my life was currently into them. Billie would read some and use pieces in her music.

Billie was recording songs again, which made her happy. I would hang out with her when she would go and record. We would make it one long date.

She was planning tour for the winter/spring seasons. I couldn't go on tour as I did before. I had to watch and parent Adelaide, but I was excited to watch Billie's life through pictures.

Addy had grown up so much in what seemed like such a small time frame. She saw Billie as her other mom, which lit up my world. I was thrilled when she told her teachers about her moms. Some people would be put off at the thought of that, but Billie was just like her mother.

I could see myself marrying Billie. Even when we were just pre-teens, I saw it. I envisioned her as my wife. You know those shitty scenarios people play in their head so they can fall asleep? Well, I always saw Billie and me getting married.

Billie was in this big white dress that flattered her perfectly and I was in a white suit, because I hated embracing my feminine side. Adelaide was never there because when I was thinking about this, I was still living with my mom.

Funny thing about that is my mom wasn't even there. Just Billie's family and friends. Maggie was crying happy tears, as was I, while Billie walked down the aisle in her perfect princess dress.

I was madly in love with Billie. From an early age I knew I was in love with her. But of course, I always saw shit like that to be wrong. It was never brought up in my life because my mother always made sure to comment negatively on anything LGBTQ+.

My internalized homophobia was FEIRCE. Until everything unfolded and I fully came to terms with it.

Anyways, I want to leave my story on a positive note. I want to finish this all positively.

I am finally happy. For the first time in years, I can finally say I am happy. I am no longer in a toxic household or mentality. I am at peace with myself and my being. My child is healthy and happy, and I am with my dream girl. I am okay.

And this is what I have to say to you. Whoever is reading this, you will be okay. Whatever it may be that you are struggling with, you will be alright. I know you will be, because I always thought I would feel terrible forever, you know? Like nothing was ever going to come to an end, but man was I wrong.

It might not be okay right now but give it a little more time. Hold on for a little while longer, I know you can. I am so proud of you.

Keep shining, you beautiful star.

Love, Jess. <3