TFP/TFA Optimus short stories

TFP I'm fine

ok angst alarm this is going to be really sad, just to let you know, so if you don't like angst do NOT read this chapter. Literally, I am not joking

Optimus knew he deserved this, the pain. 

One shallow cut on the right side at the base of his neck.

He had killed so many Autobots, not by his own servos but he had given them those missions that killed them. 

One long, deep cut on his left thigh. 

He killed thousands if not millions of Decepticons troops mercilessly with his swords and blasters. 

One shortcut on his right bitarlueus (forearm). 

So many planets are destroyed and dead because of their war, he wouldn't blame their inhabitants if they hated him, he hated himself too. 

One long, shallow cut on the left side of his midsection plating (stomach). 

He looked at the sharpened piece of steel, tried to snap out of this state of mind but couldn't find the will to do so, then he smiled at himself what was the point of being a leader who was supposed to save the Cybertronian race when he can't even save himself? He felt tears fall from his optics for the ones he had killed. 

One very shallow cut down his left optic. 

Mentally he killed all 3 of his friends, Ratchet, Soundwave, and Megatronus, and physically kill two, his friend, Jazz, and his sire figure, Alpha Trion. 

One cut on his other bitarlueus. 

Each cut was a life he had taken, which meant he had a lot of scars, not that he minded he knew he deserved them, each and every one of them. 

One short deep cut on the left side of his back

As a Prime, he couldn't show emotions which was helpful because he couldn't feel any. 

One shallow cut on the right side of his back

There was the only thing he didn't deserve, and that was the right to cry because of the pain, he could cry with the pain, for the lives he had killed, that it was his fault that the war was sparked in the first place. 

One cut here

Sure Ratchet was alive with a beating spark just not the Ratchet he knew, the young academy student that was always telling him to not work so hard, to find time for himself, to live a little, not this old unhappy medic who that worked till he went into a forced recharge, no that wasn't the Ratchet he was friends with, that Ratchet had died a long time ago at the start of the war, the one he started. 

One cut there 

It was the same for Soundwave and Megatronus, Soundwave never talks nowadays and when he did it was through recordings, Megatronus is now his arch-nemesis, not his best friend, not the patient, sweet gladiator he had known and cared about, the one he talked to when he was bored and Ratchet was to busy with homework to have a conversation, not this mad, crazed warlord hell-bent on killing him 

murderer, USELESS, kill yourself, infection, HELPLESS, they would be better off without you, GLITCH, weak, pathetic, virus, WORTHLESS

those were some of the things that went through his head, and honestly, he believed them, the voices. Every time he walked out of this room, he put up his mask, the emotionless mask, that thing that keeps others from knowing the unspeakable things he did to himself. If only there was someone who loved him, not faking it because he was a Prime but because they loved him, the real him, though it was unlikely, his reasoning being who could ever love a monster and a freak like him? Just then Ratchet knocked on his door.

 "Are you alright, I thought I heard crying" 

"I have not heard anything and I'm fine" 

"Are you sure?" 

"Yes" suddenly the door slid open, and a gasp rang out 

"by the Allspark Optimus, what are you doing!?" Exclaimed Ratchet, shocked at the scene in front of him, Energon on the ground, and Optimus, same old Optimus, sitting in the middle of it all with his back facing the door, a cut on the left side, he could just barely see a cut on his neck and he could clearly see what had happened or rather, that was happening. 

"Optimus, I need you to put that piece of steel down please." Optimus slowly stood up from the puddle of Energon, probably painfully too, and turned around to look at Ratchet, with a cold, dead look in his optics 

"Why should I?" he asked while cocking his helm to the side in the likeness of a puppy. 

"It's madness, why are you even cutting yourself in the first place, you seem fine" Ratchet froze, thinking what he had said over. A look of horror was on his face plate in a matter of seconds 

"Optimus answer me honestly, are you stressed right now" Optimus nodded 

"do you blame yourself for the war?" Again he nodded

"oh Primus, ok do you think you can walk?" he just stepped forward 

"good, now can you please come with me" Optimus followed him through the corridors out into the main room. 

"Hey Ratchet, where did you- OPTIMUS!! What happened to you!?" Arcee exclaimed as she saw the cuts. He just glanced at her and then back to Ratchet. 

"Can you sit on the berth, slowly" Optimus obeyed, slowly sitting down on the berth and looking at Ratchet, waiting for more directions. 

"Optimus what happened to you, are you alright!?" The children, June Darby, and even agent Fowler asked worriedly. Optimus just nodded and grinned a static grin. Then Ratchet said 

"Optimus can you please tell us what's wrong", Optimus just looked at him curiously.

"Why should I tell you all?" "Why should you- we're your team!? We're concerned for your mental health!" Optimus chuckled then for the first time since Optimus was a prime, he started to laugh no, he started to cackle and through his helm back. The way he cackled, only someone insane or Megatron could accomplish. 

"Care about my mental- oh THAT has to be the best lie I've heard in all my life cycle. I didn't know you were so funny Ratchet. You should be a Comedian" by the end he was holding his still-bleeding stomach. Abruptly he stopped 

"I would rather die than tell you ANYTHING about my little problems" he snarled and with that, he got up and limped back to his room leaving his shocked team without even looking back, once. Leaving them to ponder just what their dear leader and father figure had become.