Hiraeth | A JENLISA AU | On Going

Wishes and Delusions

Note: couldn't help myself to finish this since it was already halfway done. Sorry for the long wait and enjoy reading! I'd appreciate it if you'll leave comments and share your thoughts :)) keep safe <3

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After having a fitful sleep on the couch, I decided to jog to take my mind off things. No, not things. Just a certain someone who was still sleeping inside my guest room.

Yesterday was a flurry of events that my mind still couldn't digest what exactly happened. The blurry images of the party, of Lisa's call and the time I was inside that room, looking at her while her mouth slightly ajar and an arm extended on the top of her head were all mushed together to form an incoherent slush of tangled memories.

Memories which triggers the dull ache inside my chest.

This is the first time that this happened where I couldn't exactly recall what transpired the night before. I don't know if it was because I was more drunk than I realized or it was a way conjured by my brain to stop all the supressed pain from overcoming my system again.

A defense mechanism of some sort since after being subjected to constant sadness and being hurt when I was away, the moment that it started to become utterly familiar, my mind just went into auto pilot which stopped it from remembering too much.

It would've been nicer if what happened yesterday was completely erased from my mind but no matter how hard my subconscious try, there are still things I can remember.

I remember how I bit the insides of my cheeks to stop myself from emitting a sound. I remember how I crashed into the couch after pushing myself to distance myself from Lisa.

I remember curling in a fetal position and crying myself to sleep until I woke up with a headache and a heavy heart.

I may not remember everything but what was stored in my brain was enough to fuel my body despite it lacking sleep and rest.

But the jog didn't work. As expected. I didn't find it therapeutic but I trudged on. My calves started to burn and my lungs seemed to be on fire but I pushed myself to put one leg infront of the other.

These was way better than the pain inside my chest, which was rather indeed corny but nonetheless true.

I briefly closed my eyes as I turned into a corner and the church I stopped going to came into view.

I slowed my pace while staring at the facade of the building. It was magnificent to look at but it leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. I was never really a believer of higher beings so I usually ignore it when I jog or pass by it using my car.

But not today. Not when the prayer I uttered in silence came back to me. I smiled sadly when I finally passed the church and shook my head.

To wish and hope for such a thing was like asking me to believe in the device... to love someone indicated by the clock without any reservation. To wholly look forward to a future with someone like how my mother- that woman gave herself for a man that wasn't worthy.

I know for a fact that it's impossible yet my heart yearns for it- for her, the girl who's currently breaking every wall I have built and the chains I have bind my heart with.

It's kind of ironic that I refuse to believe in the device so that I won't experience the same heartache that woman went through, yet... Yet, here I am, pining for a girl who couldn't take a risk.

With that last thought and huge gulp of breath after, I pushed myself off the ground and jogged a little bit faster until my lungs burned and my cheeks flush with the cold air and from exertion.