His expression changed instantly as his gaze met hers, she could see it while looking into his incredulous eyes and she felt like he was looking at her for the very first time; Ayça could almost read the influx of his confused and messy thoughts.
She couldn't say how long they stood silently staring at each other, not too close but not too far. Suddenly Alp took a step towards her and Ayça felt something moving in her stomach; she got dizzy, like she didn't even remember her own name.
-Ayça ...
as if reading her thoughts, he pronounced her name and the way it came out of his lips, feeble, thin and delicate, it was like if he was blowing her name like a fresh breath in her face.
Up to that moment, every time Ayça had thought of him, she had felt a burning sensation of nostalgia coursing through her body, but now that he suddenly showed up on her doorstep, the anger built up in her for all that time came back to set her heart on fire.
-niye geldin?
Ayça lowered her gaze, maybe if she didn't look at him she could regain some clarity, but even without looking at him she could feel his gaze on her lips, that were still open in surprise.
-I drove all day long. I'm here for Mavi. Will you let me in?
Without ever looking up, Ayça stepped back to let him in, and Alp walked in the room without ever taking his eyes off her face.
Ayça felt like his eyes were literally digging into her.
That moment of tension between them was soon interrupted by Mavi.
-babaa, babam, babacım
Ayça finally looked up only to see his face lighting up at the sight of his daughter.
Just a few seconds and their little girl was already flying into his arms.
She had a moment of disappointment, or maybe disillusionment, when she realized that he hadn't come for her, but she couldn't help but smile to see the happiness on her daughter's face; and she couldn't even hide her emotion when she saw tears in his eyes, while he was looking at Mavi as if she were the most beautiful of miracles.
As she was looking at them, she remembered all the times when Alp got up in the middle of the night because the baby was crying, or was hungry, when Ayça was too tired to even lift one finger.
When Mavi was six months old, she had fever due to strep throat and he stayed up for three consecutive nights to look after the baby, to allow Ayça to rest for a while.
- baba gel, I'll show you all the games in my room.
Mavi grabbed her father by the hand and pulled his arm to drag him to her room. Alp took two steps to follow her, then looked up at Ayça, silently asking for permission.
Ayça nodded with a hint of a smile. Although she felt that she was burning inside, she didn't want her daughter's father to feel uncomfortable in their house.
After a few seconds they disappeared behind the wall and Ayça took the opportunity to tidy herself up. She looked awful, she was wearing a black silk pajamas, actually a nice pajama, and her hair tied back with a scrunchie.
She combed her hair, washed her face and brushed her teeth, and nothing more because she didn't want him to think that she was making herself pretty for him. She didn't go into Mavi's room, she stayed out all the time because she didn't want to interfere in that moment between father and daughter, finally spending some time together after all this time.
She was about to fall asleep on the sofa when he came back to the living room, he was alone.
Ayça looked at him, probably he was a little bit nervous, as he kept rubbing his hands together.
-I put her to bed, she fell asleep.
He said hinting at a smile.
Ayça nodded, but she did not return the smile.
-It's late. Where will you sleep?
-I wanted to book a room in the hotel where we were staying years ago, but I found out that it is closed at this time of the year.
-So if you won't let me sleep on the sofa, I'll have to sleep in the car.
Ayça gasped. She didn't take into account that he could spend the night there, and it wasn't exactly what she wanted. But she couldn't either kick him out.
-Ok, you can sleep here on the sofa or in the bed with Mavi. It's big enough for the both of you.
She hadn't even finished talking that he was already sitting on the sofa next to her.
-I will sleep here, I don't want to wake up the baby.
Instinctively she moved a little back.
-I have three days off the set. And the only thing that I wanted was to be with Mavi for a couple of days, I mean...with you...both.
Alp stared at her, anchored his gaze into hers, and she could hear the air being sucked into her body. He held the power to destroy and reassemble her with a single glance.
He made her questioning every single part of her inner self and she wished he didn't have that power, but he did and she couldn't help it.
He once admitted that she held that power too, that she could touch the innermost strings of his soul only by looking him in the eyes, and at the beginning of their relationship he was terrified to love and be loved so profoundly; Back then, they surrendered to the power of love but now it was different: they both must keep a tight control on their emotions.
Ayça was still feeling so weak while he was looking at her with those hearted eyes, and she wondered if it was still the same for him too.
-How are you?
He asked her straight out.
She looked at him without replying immediately, and after a few seconds in which the time seemed to stand still, he closed his eyes, as if he could no longer bear her gaze.
-I'm fine. I'm writing the script for a TV series for next summer. A drama.
-Can I read it? Just like the good old days.
Ayça's heart was wringing out like a sponge and she could already feel her eyes stinging, but she manage to choke back tears . This wasn't a good moment for getting weak.
-the manuscript is on the table, if you wish you can read it before sleeping.
I'll go get you another blanket...
Ayça stood up, but she felt the warmth of his hand suddenly gripping her wrist; it was spreading such heat throughout her body, that she could not help but letting herself flop down on the sofa, close her eyes and let that powerful feeling free to invade her.
All her senses were reaching straight to her soul.
-Ayça gitme. Don't leave right away. Stay here a little more.
-why?
She asked with her eyes still closed, his hand was still on her wrist, his thumb slowly caressing her skin in circles.
- because I missed you. I miss you.
I want to look at you. I just want to look at you.
He was awfully close now. Too close. How did he get that close?
Ayça looked at him like she was seeing a ghost, she was confused, but when she met his green eyes again,his puppy soft green eyes, and she saw that little smile lighting up his face, she finally recognized the man she once had loved and lost.
It would have been so easy to throw her arms around him and just say that she had missed him too, but she just couldn't do it.
It was too early. Or was it too late? She didn't know, all that she knew was that she wasn't ready, that everything was happening too fast.
- I'm going to get you another blanket
She said again, this time she could hear that her own voice was broken, because she was probably about to cry and he let go of her hand at last.
-tamam.
But Ayça did not see the sorry look on his face because she had already fled to her room to get that damn blanket.
She was about to go back into the living room when she saw him standing there at the door, looking around her bedroom.
-It's a nice house
He said without taking her eyes off her bed.
-you will sleep on the sofa-
She reminded him as she handed him the blanket
-Yes, of course. On the sofa.
-I'm going to check on Mavi, make yourself comfortable. Good night.
But it seemed like that he didn't want to move from there so Ayça took a few steps forward to leave the room but he stood in front of her, preventing her from leaving.
Their faces were close to the point of touching each other with their breaths and the warmth of his body caressed her skin. She held her breath as she felt his body against hers and a subtle thrill of excitement immediately radiated through her body.
-Alp what are you doing?
she whispered faintly.
-Nothing.
He said while drawing the outline of her face with the tip of his nose then continuing his path down to her neck where he lingered, filling his nostrils with her unique scent.
Ayça had to take a step back now that she was still in control of her body, and somehow she managed to do it.
-Yapma...
The attraction between them had always been so powerful, but she didn't want to let herself loose so quickly, even though her body was litterally screaming for the need of him. Maybe it was better to talk first, but not immediately.
Alp stared at her for a very long moment, like if he was holding back from telling her something else, but he didn't say anything more.
Ayça couldn't help but stare at him back.
The moonlight that filtered through the window was highlighting his profile, outlining his perfect nose, his beard taking on a silver reflection in the dark.
He was so handsome, his lovely face had not changed in the least...
He cupped her face in his hands, he was literally struggling because he wanted to say something more, to do something more, but maybe he realized that she was not ready, and right after he was letting her go.
-Goodnight.
