I don't want to come back.

Chapter 6.

Mike finished the files with a few hours to spare, but still far later than he had hoped. His eyes had kept wandering back to the box at his elbow. Eventually he became so annoyed he threw it into his messenger bag, where he could no longer see it. He figured out of sight, out of mind; but with an eidetic memory, it was hard to keep things out of mind, even if his knack was more for word than images.

Mike dropped the files off on Louis' desk with a tight, sad smile. Louis said nothing. He just looked up at Mike, seeing a person who couldn't take much more, and nodded a thanks to him before turning back to his work. Louis didn't want to set the president that he wouldn't make Mike work for his job but he could tell the kid needed a day. He knew Mike would get that he was dismissed and just had to stay in the office until the end of the work day but otherwise was free to do as he pleased.

Mike let out a relieved sigh as he walked out of Louis' office. He didn't think he could get any more work done without a good, solid, sleep backing him. When he got back to his desk he collapsed in his chair. He leaned his head back, weaving his fingers together to cover his eyes. For a moment he found it relaxing, until all he could see was that damned box in his mind's eye. Letting out a frustrated growl Mike grabbed his messenger bag and headed for the bathroom.

He checked to make sure the men's room was empty before taking the box out and putting it on the counter. He stared at it for a minute, like he was expecting it to grow feet and kick him, but when the box stayed put, he took off the lid. His breath was taken away as he stared at what he would describe as the most beautiful blue he had ever seen. He slowly reached out a hand to touch the tie, stroking one finger down it. It was silk, of course it was silk; Harvey was the one that had chosen it. Mike picked it up like it might fall apart at any moment before carefully draping it around his neck. He discarded his old tie in favor of the much nicer blue one. As he carefully and methodically tied it, he could feel his hands shaking.

As Mike looked up to adjust the tie he found himself breathless once again. He had never felt good looking in mirrors, all they ever showed him were his imperfections, but as Mike looked at the tie around his neck and the way it made his eyes stick out, he couldn't help but think that the tie made him look good. He could actually see believing someone who told him he was attractive if he had this tie on. Harvey had found the perfect gift.

At the thought of Harvey, Mike felt all of his doubts crashing back in around him. He was so confused now. He knew Harvey didn't want him but at the same time Harvey was trying to make him come back, and actually trying, not just half assing it like Harvey did with everything in his personal life. He knew he wasn't good enough; Harvey's actions had made that clear, but then why would Harvey be trying to get something that wasn't good enough? Mike could feel tears gathering in his eyes; he didn't understand. He couldn't make sense of things, and it was messing with his already confused and sleep deprived head. Mike grabbed either side of his head, trying to make the voices stop; the voices of all the associates from his memories, as they talked about him, or Harvey. He heard all the times Harvey made it clear he wasn't good enough and that he was a disappointment. As he squeezed his eyes shut he could see all the times Harvey looked at him with disappointment, like after the mock trial. Mike couldn't take the war his mind was waging against itself and vaguely felt his knees hit the ground like it was a pang you get from a painful memory.

He couldn't make his mind stop. Letting out an almost silent sob Mike begged his mind, "Please stop. Just stop. I can't handle this, please, just stop." His mind didn't stop; in fact he could have sworn it got worse. Soon, all that was running through his mind was every glare, sneer, or cruel face Harvey had sent him since the merger. He kept reliving Harvey firing him in the very room he was in, rocking back and forth on the floor holding his head. He could remember every detail of that night, every single excruciating detail, and that only made him sob harder. He could feel his mind slipping.