cigarettes ☹ alex turner

XX

XX

Kimberly Eve Browne

"KIM?" RICHARD SPEAKS, disturbing me from my, what seemed to be now, routinely stare out of the window, which was completely unintentional.

I spin around to face him, a confused look bound to be on my face. I had never called him here, as close as we were, we always seemed to let each other know when we planned to go out together. Maybe I was lying. I had recieved numerous emails, but I never emailed back to confirm. "Why are you here?"

He rubs his neck nervously, his eyes flicking to mine, just like Alex did. I tear my eyes away from him, not wanting to be reminded of him as I thought about him more than was considered healthy. "I was worried. I haven't heard from you much. I sent you texts and called you plenty."

I shrugged. "You know I don't use my phone that much," I reply, hoping it would be a good enough excuse for him to drop it and act normal.

He lets out an uneasy sigh. "Don't you think I know you well enough to know that?" He asks, and I know he was looking straight into my eyes, as I ducked my head down. Who am I? It just feels like all I am is my flaws. "I sent you emails as well, I know you use your computer."

I chewed on my bottom lip, trying to think of an excuse, but nothing came to mind. "I-"

He takes a seat on my bed and cuts me off. "Why are you pushing me out? I'm your friend. We're meant to go through this together."

I slap on a fake smile. "What do you mean 'pushing you out'? Of course I haven't, you know that," I speak, trying to sound as confident as possible, as Richard raised one of his eyebrows, already disagreeing. "I just haven't been using my computer that much either, I've not been the best lately. Anyway, what did you want to tell me?"

"I know you well enough to know that you're lying to me. You're lying to me and I don't even know why! I want to give you space, but I know that won't help you, it will just makes things worse," Richard exclaims.

"So you don't believe that I'm not the best lately?" I retort, glaring at him.

His eyes soften and he sighs. "Of course I do, this is what it's about, Kim. I know you've been using your computer because as much as you say you hate him, you don't. You still go on that poetry site, don't you?"

When he realises that I don't reply, he speaks again. "I don't want you to lie to me, Kim, and I'm sure you don't want me to either," he gulps.

"And how do you know?" I retort, not letting my guard down.

"How do I know what?" He replies, looking puzzled.

"That I am lying?" I snap back at him, and instantly felt guilty. I was snapping back at everyone lately, even Alex, even my own mother when all she asked was for me to move.

"I know because I'm your fucking friend, Kim. You and I are literally the same person.  Is there something wrong with me helping you?" He speaks, sounding sour. He mocks the emotion of guiltiness, "I'm so so sorry, for being your fucking friend. I'm so sorry for being there for you when no one else was," he says, gives me a long stare and walks out.

Guilt had seemed to never leave me that day. I lay in bed, the only category of thoughts that passing through my mind being regret. It's the worst feeling, that is. Richard's. Mum's, Dad's and Alex's seemed unforgiveable, like a lingering ache stored in the bottom of my heart.

I missed him. I missed how sweet, how lovely he could be. It felt so amazing to be introduced to that feeling again at parent's evening yesterday, even though I displayed an opposite emotion. I forgot how incredible he could make me feel, despite his intention. He just has to do literally anything and it's like all logic is thrown out the window, and it's me and him, the only two people in the entire world. And there's no way he doesn't feel the same for me. There's no way that we won't happen. It's like our souls were made for the sole purpose of each other.

I glanced at the clock, finally making a relation with time which was different from wasting it. 6:15 the digital clock read, which was an hour before her appointment with Beverly and two hours before school started which I was dreading more than anything.