cigarettes ☹ alex turner

XXIV

XXIV

Kimberly Eve Browne

I'M THAT PERSON that you hate; the one that is smiling endlessly and is annoying everyone with her never ending joy and has a desire to spread it everywhere like ebola. I was incredibly giddy ever since what happened a week ago. I was more happy than when I kissed Alex and he kissed me back, except this time I didn't feel a tiny bit of a heartbreak, I just felt utter and pure joy.

And oh my, was it beautiful.

Pure joy is amazing, and I don't think any feeling or emotion could replace it because it is truly that incredible. It's been a while. I always get little tastes of it, with Richard, with Alex, with my parents.  For the first time, it's been a state of my mind rather than a sporadic few minutes.

 Pure joy is an emotion of great delight, and it failed to leave me this past week. Alex and I didn't just kiss, it was more. More than anything we've ever done before. It seemed like the wrong time, as I was just starting my recovery, but soon after it happened I had realised that there could not have been a better time.

I was okay, before this happened. Not completely but I was working to it. Making the decision to agree to anything and everything that would make me better has been life changing. It couldn't have been a better time because for the first time, I was prioritising myself, and I know that with or without Alex I would be on this path, which actually kind of makes me proud of myself. I did it on my own.

I no longer wanted or missed anything anymore. I had everything I could've wanted, and that's Alex. He's all I want. He's all I've ever wanted. And I think I've finally got him.

Alex had left an enlightening effect on me. I hadn't even been hospitalised and I have half a snack each day. That may not seem like a lot to a majority of people , but it seemed like a shit load to me. I was only afraid of looking at the scale, in deep fear that I might've gained something.

That was probably my greatest fear. I was working on it though. I don't understand why gaining weight or anything to do with food gave me this awful dread or pit in my stomach, but it did.  I'm trying to just appreciate my small steps forward, because the past couple of years, I've just been going backwards. 

Not only that, but I've been sleeping for an hour each day. It wasn't even a big step yet I felt greater than ever.

My anxiety was the same, I've been getting panic attacks every hour instead of every half hour. It was a huge relief for me, and now I only get half of the panic attacks that I used to get.

"So, I heard you and Al made up," are the first words that leaves Richard's smirked mouth, as if he was saying, time to tell me everything, hoe.

"Well, I'm still slightly mad at you because you can not just call my ex when I'm trying to get over him, okay? I wouldn't do that to you."

"That's because all of my exes were assholes," he retorts, and I guess he did have a point.

"Not so long ago, you thought he was an asshole," I say.

"Can you not avoid the question please."

"Alright, alright," I respond with a huff, "I will answer, you know I will, can you just tell me what's up with you please? I feel like all we talk about is me."

"We don't only talk about you, but okay, Cathy and I broke up."

I widened my eyes. "Oh my god. What happened?"

"It's not that big of a deal, honestly. It was a mutual kind of thing, we just lost feelings for each other, I guess."

"When did this happen?"