When the Stars and Flowers Fall...

🌵

We burst out from the tangles of the trees, breathless and heady. But as I look around, there are other park visitors eyeing us with distaste and distance. The fuzzy warmth and rapid beating of my heart start to cool quickly. When Kasaoka trudges out behind me, I can hear his breaths rough with exertion, but he stays silent. Until. 

"So...why exactly did you bring me here?" he asks, stepping up to my side. When I'm quiet, he looks at me and says, "I'm guessing it's not to abuse me with trees." He raises an eyebrow. "I hope." I can't help but chuckle quietly under my breath.

"Come on," I say, and start walking towards the greenhouse. I'd seen the sky darken when I emerged from the trees, and might've felt a cold raindrop fall onto my head. I think I got drenched enough yesterday to have to relive that experience again today, so I walk briskly to what I hope is the warmth shelter of the greenhouse.

It seems like I hadn't imagined the earlier drop of rain, because Kasaoka also quickens his steps and looks up at the sky. We push open the cloudy glass doors of the greenhouse, and are greeted by a blast of humid air. It carries the scent of exotic plants and fruits, and the thick air blankets us in a strangely suffocating but comforting way.

As we walk down the aisle, I can't help but stop a few times and check the labels of plants. I can feel the back of my neck heat up as I feel Kasaoka watching me when I bend down to closer examine a leaf. I sense him walk closer and take another leaf in his hand.

"Do you... do you know what this plant is?" Kasaoka's voice startles me out of my reverie. I'd expected him to be bored by my interest in plants, but the genuine curiosity in his voice confuses me. His fingers running over the ridges of the leaf are careful, gentle and probing, and I watch his eyes rove over the stems, the flowers and the rest of the plant. It makes me feel weird. Like two worlds are colliding, and there's nothing I can do to stop it.

"Well yeah, it's the  ," I say matter-of-factly, unable to help the pride that touches my voice. Kasaoka lifts his eyebrows, evidently surprised or impressed by my knowledge. My feeling of pride blossoms down my throat and spreads its warm petals in my chest. He lets go of the leaf and smiles.

"I'm not gonna lie, I thought you were just gonna Google it or something," he says sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck. I raise an eyebrow in return, a little offended but not enough to care. He spreads his hands out in surrender. "I'm sorry!" The grin returns as he leans in. "Smartass."

I narrow my eyes and pout, stabbing a pointed forefinger at his chest. "You didn't call me that when you needed me to help you with the homework!" I'm only teasing, but the playful light disappears from Kasaoka's eyes. I freeze. Is he going to slink back, hurt by my careless words? Dread pools in my stomach like a languid snake, heavy with the promise of poison.

But his eyes fill with something else. I think I see the viscous stain of shame spread through his irises as he drops his gaze away. My heart hammers against my breastbone. When Kasaoka clears his throat, I see his discomfort showing through like skin through lace.

"I didn't." His voice feels like wood shavings, thin, and crispy on the edges. I don't want to push him further, but he presses his lips together and I need to know.

"...What?" I thought the panic would burst out in a harsh bark of interrogation. Instead, the word slips from my lips as a sheet of tissue paper would, all my bewilderment seeping through. Kasaoka still doesn't meet my eyes. Tell me.

"I didn't need you to help me with the homework," he says, each word falling into the space between us like cold drops of rain. "It was just an excuse." I don't think I want to hear any more. I didn't need you. I don't need you. That's what he's saying.

Oh.

So this is my nightmare.

I was too busy thinking about accidentally hurting other people that I'd forgotten about my own weakness. I nearly laugh at myself. So I'm the one who's slinking away, trying to hide the hurt that threatens to swallow my little heart.

"I see." I don't know how I manage to keep my voice so level. I don't know how I can keep nodding. I don't know why I'm still standing here. He doesn't need you, this voice says, whispering things into my ear that slowly make it harder and harder to keep this smile propped up.

Kasaoka's looking up. I don't know why I can't read what's going on in his eyes right now. I don't understand.

Until I do.

I didn't understand Kasaoka. Not then. Not now. And I never will.

It's clear to me now. I have no purpose in standing in here, with him. I tug at the neckline of my hoodie, feeling the hot air wrap around my neck. I need to leave. My feet feel like they've got weights dangling from the ankles, but I finally manage to lift one and take it towards the exit. And once I take that step, it's remarkably easy to take the next. And the next. And the next.

So easy just to walk away.

~~~~~~~~~~
A/N

i'd like to apologise.
i didn't want to end the chapter like this.
but this is the only good breaking off point.
i promise.
*excuses*
yeah so. Sumire and Kasaoka are. not feeling great right now.
*stating the obvious*
ya know what, i'm just gonna shut up so you can enjoy a nice(r) next chapter.

can i get some votes and comments to keep me goin?? 

yours faithfully,
blue x