Lost In The UNKNOWN

The Hope

"As the truth engulfs me in pain,
Now I still love him but with disdain.
The hope of him and me,
Is very much impossible as you can see."

As I slowly snap out of my little flash back, I didn't notice tears were already running down my cheeks.Slowly wiping them off, slow enough making sure not to smudge my mascara.

I can't help but feel the emptiness inside, the longing and the waiting that maybe, just maybe one day he will come back to me.

But it's a crazy thought. But the hope of him coming back to me, is still there alive and blazing for 7 long years of waiting and longing.

I know it's stupid.

I know it's pathetic.

But even so I still keep hoping even if I have to toss and turn and cry myself to sleep at night.

The painful part is that I was willing to gave a fight but he just gave up on me, just like that he even looked at me as if I was a mad person.

I am awake and trying while his there sleeping like a baby beside her. The thought cuts like like knife in my.

It was hard. My mom told me to see go and get drugs that can cure my depression but I wouldn't budge, I wouldn't listen nor move so here I am stuck in a void of sadness.

I'm not crazy I am just a little bit unwell. My friends tell me to move on (actually I do have friends besides being the loner at the back of the class but none of them are a close friends) but it's not that easy. Especially when he is your first true love. I've existed for almost 20 years and I never felt anything like it.

As I stroll down the garden of tulips flash backs started remembering me of our happy days together, but I can feel my heart slow down to a shallow beat. As if it is preventing the blood in my body to circulate.That even my heart itself doesn't want to go back down the road of remembering those days.

Walking out of the garden and entering the forest entrance and changing the song that I was listening too.

Marianas Trench- By Now. I think Josh Ramsay is right when he stated in his somg that sometimes the one you want isn't the one you need.

Tears started falling down my eyes once again. I should really stop crying but I can't, I just can't and I hate myself everyday for it.

The hope of happiness slowly fades away as my heart refused to step forward and move on.

My heart just wanna stay on this dark alley where bright lights used to lit up it's darkness on all edges but now it's empty and lonely like a ghost town.

As I walk deeper into the forest I found the old bench under the old narra tree that has always been there since forever. As I sat down, I saw a lot of names inside a heart shape carvings on the tree, not minding my butt getting a bit soaked.

But what got my attention the most is our names together that we carved.

I thought to myself.
I used to be somebody else until him and everything change. Whatever he wanted, I wanted and nothing else mattered cause we were inlove.

Or atleast that is what I thought. But I was a fool because I was the only one who loved him so much that I was willing to disobey his parents.

But again now here I am all alone, miserable, and pathetic.

The only thing comforting me is the pouring rain making it hard for me not to smile.