Journal entries

Sunday Devember 12, 2021 2:57pm Entry #4

MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING
SELF HARM AND SUICIDE
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Closure.

I am writing this for closure.

At least I think I am.

I've never been truly happy. I remember when I was 7, crying in school every day.

I remember when I was 8, crying because the work was too hard.

I remember when I was 9, stressing over the essay I had to make up because I was absent.

I remember when I was 10, praying to god that I wouldn't wake up in the morning.

I remember when I was 11. The anxiety and the breakdowns in the middle of the night.

I remember when I was 12.

Covid.

I think when I was 12 I was starting to finally be truly happy.

Then Covid hit.

It was just two weeks off school. Right?

Wrong.

It was months of hell.

I remember the stress and anxiety. David had got Covid and since he was extremely dirty and lived with us at the time, it spread to the rest of us.

I remember my parents having to clean the floor every time he left his room to go to the bathroom.

I remember having to wear shoes in the hallway instead of having to wash our feet constantly.

I remember the depression.

I remember watching short films about depression when things started to get bad.

I remember the razors.

The silver markers that wrote in red.

I remember my mom yelling at me for something stupid.

I remember getting fed up.

I was tired, so fucking tired.

I remember grabbing Baba's box cutter.

Closing my door.

Sitting on my bed.

I took the razor out.

I rolled up my sleeve.

No.

My wrists are too obvious. Someone will know. Someone will see.

I pulled down my pants.

Yes.

No one will see my thigh's. I don't wear shorts. No one will suspect a thing.

Cut.

Guilt.

What have I done? Am I insane? Why Would I do this? I can't believe myself.

I hid the razors under my covers.

I panicked.

I moved on with my day and pretended like nothing happened.

I remember waking up the next day.

That was one of the worst days of my life. I was so depressed. It was like there was a dam behind my eyes.

I remember grabbing Baba's box cutter.

Cut.

Cut.