Journal entries

Saturday December 25, 2021 8:44pm Entry #7

I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I do everything that Mommy and Baba tell me to do. I'm never good enough. What do I have to do to make you happy or proud of me?

Whenever I accomplish something you always focus on the negatives. I don't think you have ever been happy with something I've done because you always find something that I did wrong.

I just want to make you proud.

You push me and push me and push me until I can't take it anymore.

You don't care about what you say or do unless it makes me cry. That's when you spew out the sorry's and start trying to figure out what's wrong.

But you know what?

I'm tired of your apologies. They mean nothing to me. How are you sorry then continue to hurt me?

You're not sorry.

You don't mean it when you say it. You say it because you know that's what you're supposed to say.

And you only apologize when I cry. I would actually believe you if you said it right after you do something wrong. And even when I cry you don't say sorry, you just try to find out what made me upset.

And you know what's funny?

After my suicide attempt you wanted me to apologize  to you and Baba.

How does that make sense.

You saw the messages that I sent to my friends apologizing to them if I scared them and you asked where your apology was.

Then you tried to make me feel guilty and told me how Baba slept in my bed while I was in the hospital.

But you know what?

How about you apologize to me.

Where the fuck is my fucking apology!? How about you fucking apologize for making me want to die! How about you fucking apologize for treating me like I'm nothing but a thing to serve purpose to you! How about you fucking apologize for treating me like shit. Every. Fucking. Day. How about you fucking apologize for being the reason I started self-harming! How about you fucking apologize!!

ALL I WANT IS A FUCKING APOLOGY!

Fuck you.
9:03pm